Tuesday, September 25, 2007

what is happening to me?

The events of past two weeks has got me into seriously thinking about an aspect of mine.
(Somewhere inside I knew this was coming)

In chronological order.(Newer to older)

  • I get a call from my best best best best friend's home that he has been admitted to hospital.He was sick all the weekend.Today it got worse.They say if not treated in time,the infection in his throat would have choked his windpipe.I go to the hospital.Help out his parents with many things.See my friend.Don't know what to say.I come back

  • A colleague of mine calls and says his wife almost died of asthma attack.He is close to me.I visit him.I notice he's in pain.I mutter some shit to lift him up.I leave.

  • My (former?)best friend calls up one day.He says his grand-mother passed away two days back.He's going back.(He works overseas and had come down few days back to visit his terminally ill granny).I say ok and wish him peace.His granny was the one who raised him after his mom died and dad disowned him.His granny is the only immediate family he had.Though I had told bitter things to him a few days before,we are still on talking terms and are very much friends,if not best friends.I know he is completely shattered and didn't have the strength to face me.He would have broken down and cried the moment he saw me.Maybe that's why he communicated on phone.Now he's gone far away and he's all alone.



Throughout these events,one thing happened which is beginning to scare me.
Nothing seems to shake me.I'm not sad,not worried.I'm calm,composed and clear headed.Though none of this directly affects me,it affected people I love deeply and I should be worried too being a sensitive person I think I am.
But I'm not.I was into spirituality/philosophy stuff from lot of days.Off late, I'm beginning to understand and really able to adapt such things into my life.I'm able to go through various events happening around me from a third person's view (and enjoy sadistically sometimes),rather than first person's perspective.

But I seem to be in a dilemma.
Nothing and absolutely nothing is bothering me.
Am I becoming strong or am I turning into a stone?
Am I becoming mad or content?
Am I attaining spiritual bliss or turning into emotionally challenged?

And quite interestingly all these things are not concerning or worrying me.
It's just my observation of myself.My face is turning into a one-expression wonder.



--despo

6 comments:

Enemy of the Republic said...

It is possible that your detachment is a form of spiritual enlightenment. It is also possible that so much has happened that your mind cannot process it fully; it's almost an out of body experience. I went through this when my mom took ill and died within 3 weeks. I watched the whole thing, and even though I was seeing it and handling it as the family's main contact, there was a part of me that almost was cold. Later it all hit me.

zen wizard said...

People react to tragedy in different ways.

Obviously, the world needs people who immediately steel themselves and react in a cold and precise and "calming" manner--we need these people to be EMT's, firemen, police, etc.

There is nothing "wrong with you" if you don't break into tears every time you hear bad news.

It is perfectly natural to react in a calm and composed manner, and save the grieving for later when your friends don't need you to be strong anymore.

SpongyBones said...

I do that I just shut down and people think I don't care. Then a few days later after everyone else has "recovered" I lose it and they think I am nuts. I say just process it when you can your way. Nothing has to look a certian way.

Random Magus said...

Enjoy this feeling. We move in spirals and phases. This happens to me sometimes in life as well. A strange detachment from everything and everyone.

DESPARADO said...

enemy:I hope it's the spiritual thing and not a mental thing :)

zen:thx for dropping in.

spongy:thx for the kind words.

magus:I wish this is a good feeling.

The King said...

The same thing happened to me when my grandfather died, I thought I was turning into a stone, or so cold-hearted that I didn't even cry or have a sad face.

What's wrong with us?

"I walk the lonely roads,the only one that I've ever known."