Aftermath.

I would like to put down on black and white, how I feel so that I can come back and read it when I want to remember this moment.

Here I go:

1.Death of someone close for the first time in my adult life.Though I have memories of other similar incidents, this is the one which I will remember vividly for a long time to come.

2.I don't know whether I'm in pain or not.Maybe I'm shamelessly exploiting myself to get some blog mileage.

3.I fear that I may not feel anything anymore.

Though I was not that close with my granddad during the later years,I have fond childhood memories of him.I just drifted away once I started off with my own life(what a cliché).Still, whenever we met we had meaningful conversations.Somewhere deep down I know that I was his favorite, even though it was never explicitly mentioned.

I have been fighting battles of my own, during all these years and grew apart and away from all people around me;grandpa included.This makes the pain a tad bit more painful.I was told by my folks, just few days before his departure to pay him a visit since the end was expected.I was so consumed by my own problems that I preferred to lay in the comfort of my own misery.Later when it was over, I got the guts to see his face only the day after.I just wanted to run away from all of it.

Still,remembering him, I'm happy that he has left a lot for me learn and cherish from the way he lived his life.I don't want to go down the "my- grandpa-is-the-best" road.I only wish to say that he lived a simple life with simple needs and desires and a great attitude and positive outlook.Maybe we celebrate people better once they die.I don't know.

Though there is a guilt part in me, I very much want to be happy and look forward positively, more than ever;thanks to him.

I actually wanted to post a photo something similar to my last post,but I realize that being unhappy is just not worth it.





Don't waste your time.

Love and only love,
desp

The whole universe conspires....

..to screw you.

Goodbye grandpa.You will always be in my heart.

I'm feeling guilty,sad and angry.

help wanted

I have decided to change the name of my blog/profile name.
I request you all to suggest some good names based on the type of person you think I'am or on the type of stuff I write.
If I get interesting responses I will probably put up a poll among the best to decide which one.

love,
despo

Useful advice in unlikely places.

I'm reading a book called:
Code Complete: A Practical Handbook of Software Construction

It's a book on software construction.It's a sort of good bedtime read.I came across a chapter called "Personal character" .

Baffled, I returned to the front cover to make sure I'm reading code complete: a book on software construction.I was surprised to see a chapter dedicated to the human nature in a book on software.Curious,I continued to read on.

The author argues that it is not intelligence but personal character and values which makes one a good programmer or keeps him a good programmer.I discovered spiritual advice in the most unlikely place.I will try to capture the essence of that one chapter here which applies to everyone.

Excerpts:
Engineers in every discipline learn the limits of the tools and materials they work with.If you are an electrical engineer, you know the conductivity.......... ......If you are a software engineer, your basic building material is human intellect and your primary tool is you.

..................... ....The whole job of programming is building air castles-it;s one of the most purely mental activities you can do.Consequently, when software engineers study the essential properties of their tools and raw materials, they find that they're studying people-intellect,character, and other attributes that are less tangible than wood, concrete, and steel.

He goes on to answer the question he poses- Isn't personal character off topic? The intense inwardness of programming makes personal character especially important.You know how difficult it is to put in eight concentrated hours in one day....had the experience of being burned out one day from concentrating too hard the day before..........days on which you have worked well from 8am to 2 pm and then felt like quitting..you didn't quit though....you pushed on.......and then spent the rest of week fixing what you wrote from 2 to 5.

Your employer can't force you to be a good programmer.(God can't force you to be good.) A lot of times your employer isn't even in a position to judge.......If you want to be great,you're responsible for making yourself great.It's a matter of your personal character.

......You can't do anything about your intelligence, so the classical wisdom goes,but you can do something about your character.It turns out that character is more decisive factor in the makeup of a superior programmer.

"We become authorities and experts in the practical and scientific spheres by so many separate acts and hours of work.If a person keeps faithfully busy each hour of the working day,he can count on waking up some morning to find himself one of the competent ones of his generation"--William James.

• Necessary qualities:
• Intelligence and humility.
• Curiosity.
• Intellectual honesty.

1. -Refusing to pretend you're an expert when you're not.
2. -Readily admitting your mistakes.

• Creativity and discipline.

• Laziness:Laziness manifests itself in several ways:

1. --deferring an unpleasant task.
2. --Doing an unpleasant task quickly to get it out of the way.
3. --writing a tool to do the unpleasant task so that you never have to do the task again.

Good character is mainly a matter of having the right habits.To be a great programmer,develop the right habits,and the rest will come naturally.

"Any fool can defend his or her mistakes-and most fools do"--Dale Carnegie.

I always wondered why I asked the questions I used to ask.Reading this chapter of the book brought me little closer to the answer of this question.
Author goes on to mention that programming is one of the purest form of mental activity one can go through.(like other art forms,I guess.)To be able to do this day in and day out I need to have a clear and clean mind and this made me to start asking questions whose answers I need to make me happy.

The reverse is also true.I have come across bad programmers who are almost always bad people(i.e bad habits or bad ethics or just bad.)

love,
despo

PS:This is in no way intended to glorify the profession of software engineering or demean other profession.The word software engineer/programmer can be in most cases replaced with human being in this article.Hence I shared it.

In order to attain anything in this world, you first have to relinquish your attachment to it.

I came across a very good story of sorts recently and I wish to put it down here.

There was a group of monks returning to their abode inside the forest.The group comprised of a guru and his followers.It was a rainy season and they came across a river which was flowing very rapid.It was difficult and dangerous to cross.They saw a very pretty woman who was trying to cross but was unable to.Her clothes were wet and it was doing a poor job of concealing her beauty.

One of the disciples offered help and carried her across the river.Other disciples were shocked since it was forbidden to even think about women.Touching was almost criminal.These monks were supposed to be free from any worldly desires and kama.So they kept discussing about the fellow monk's action and when they reached their home, one of them asked the guru about this.

Guru had only one thing to say,"He carried her only across the river.But you are still carrying her."

Wow!!

Personal update:
I hate this since I don't want to bore people with my shit.But sometimes, it's just too much.
Working my ass off and hardly have time to spare.
Some things are not working out as expected.
Generally sad and hating every moment of it.

comment gone good

I just wrote a comment on a wonderful post:one dream from dcrelief.
Thought that this would qualify as a post in itself.

It's so amazing to see how words from total strangers have the power to heal and give courage.

There is no reason which I can think of as to why it is so.I just know that it's a wonderful feeling.

On second thought we all are not strangers after all.We just haven't 'met' each other the way world means it.

But then again who cares?Some of the best people I know are the ones who visit my blog and ones whose blogs I visit.

What you shouldn't do.

I'll tell you what you shouldn't do if you are remotely entertaining the possibility of getting married:
1. Watch revolutionary road.
2. Watch the last kiss the next day.

Make your kids watch it early in life (if u manage to have kids after these movies) if you don't want your DNA to be passed down and help with the population problem.

They portray depressing and bleak picture of the future everyone dreams of.

Emotion is a bitch

"I tried so hard and got so far,in the end it doesn't even matter.... "

I'm convinced that emotion if not a disease, at least is a metal disorder of some kind.Has nobody found a cure yet?At least recognise it as a disorder please.

I've been very busy lately and have very little 'me' time.It's been a crazy ride and doesn't look like it will end any time soon.

One more defeat and disappointment in my on-going attempt and I'm getting to a point of not feeling anything any more.

Apart from this one aspect of life,things have actually bettered and I have been less grateful to God for it.Maybe it's because I'm not getting what I want even though what I'm getting is not that bad.

I hate failures and set very high criteria for success.So whenever there is a set back,it always reminds me of my first 'real' failure.

It was a girl whom I loved and I lost her forever.Maybe someday I can find enough courage to blog about that.Whenever there is a failed attempt at something,it always reminds me of that one thing and keeps me sad for days.

photo.

Presently, I'm sure I wouldn't have loved her as much as I do now if she were with me and I'm starting to suspect it was just an attraction.First love still is special and the pain factor remains.

Problem is now I don't know why I have to be sad and I'm laughing at my stupidity.I'm beginning to believe that God has programmed us to be miserable.We always manage to find some reason to be unhappy.

photo

Emotion is a bitch.
--despo