Bring me to life

"I struggle on and on to feed this hunger burning deep inside of me"

Dude: Dude,have you seen the video of [song name] by [band name].It's good.
Me: No.(WTF.Must be some lame band.Dude's gone crazy.Keeps following every single music/movie released.)
Dude: Man it's too good.You gotta see this.I'm telling you.It's cool.
Me: ok.(whatever)
(Dude gives me the songs of that album the next day.I dump it into my collection and forget it.)

About six months later.
(Returning from movie...)
Dude:The movie sucks.I told you to skip this.But you dragged me too into this.It was a waste of time.
Me: Dude,I knew it too.I didn't come for the movie.I came to see you know who.I'm mad for her ever since I saw her on that TV series.She kicks ass.
Dude:Grrrrrrr...You don't have good taste.There are prettier girls around.
Me:Forget it.Did you notice the songs that played in the background?I liked them.I have to search for them now.
Dude:Aaah...I gave those songs to you long time back.I bet you haven't bothered to look into them even once.You're a !$@!$%%(grrrr....grrrrr)

"don't try to fix me I'm not broken"

This was the conversation that went on years ago between me and my buddy.
The movie was Daredevil.(Yeah.It sucks.)
The "you know who" was Jennifer Garner.(My friend finally agreed that I do have a good taste;well..., only after Ben and Jen got married).
And, the band was Evanescence.

Just as my friend was wrong about Jennifer Garner,I was about Evanescence.That night I went home and listened to the album(fallen) all night and quite predictably I fell for it.This was just the beginning.Listening to the bands' songs became my daily routine,quite literally.Day and night my faithful Ipod drained the music into my brains,just like glucose is fed intravenously to a patient's veins.If somebody would've paid me for listening to their songs(amy, are you reading this?),I was ready to take up the job .And finally the grand-daddy of all:
I actually bought(read as in 'spending money') the album.Now, those who know me in person will understand this.I'm frugal and only spend if i'm absolutely certain of what I buy.Spending for me, is like getting into a long term commitment(now, I'm exaggerating).I think a lot.Though I love music as much as the next guy, I hardly spend money for music though I have a big collection.So to say I was blown away by evanescences' music would be an understatement.

Music is a strange thing.It's hard to put it in words, but there is something about music which strikes the right chord.One doesn't needs to be 'qualified' or lean on other's to make a choice.Maybe it's one of those areas where no one gives a shit as far as critics' opinions are concerned(are there any?).

"I tried to kill the pain but only brought more."

Back to evanescence;their music sat with me deeply.It connected with my inner self.It had the healing power which I needed.Let's just say I was going through one of those phases in life which I don't want to look back upon; and it was a rather long phase.It gave words, to stuff, I couldn't find words for;it helped me connect with myself;helped me connect to god.I'm not a fan of rock music.Still this was different.It was a godsend.Amy lee's voice is ghost-like,haunting.It's like crying out to GOD.The lyrics are beautiful too.They are full of remorse,criticism and cruelty towards god (and self).Desperately trying to reach out for him in search of mercy,help,salvation.

Off late, there is no good music coming out from them.They had some re-organization in their band.Few left,few joined.They released a new album.It was not that impressive(I thought).

" without the mask,where will you hide.can't find yourself;lost in your lie "

Many bands have come and gone.Some made it.Some failed miserably and went down without a trace and some ended up becoming one song(one album) wonder.They come up with that one song,that one album, which goes on to become a raging hit,all-time classic, and then,....that's it.They fade away into darkness never to be heard again.I badly wish this is not the case with them.

Evanescences' initial songs are good and enough for a lifetime of hearing.Still my soul yearns for more.Amy, I'm waiting.I heartily hope that your music will be anything but evanescent.
Evanescence for life.
Evanescence till death.
Music for peace.
--despo

"Breathe into me and make me real.Bring me to life."

what is happening to me?

The events of past two weeks has got me into seriously thinking about an aspect of mine.
(Somewhere inside I knew this was coming)

In chronological order.(Newer to older)

• I get a call from my best best best best friend's home that he has been admitted to hospital.He was sick all the weekend.Today it got worse.They say if not treated in time,the infection in his throat would have choked his windpipe.I go to the hospital.Help out his parents with many things.See my friend.Don't know what to say.I come back


• A colleague of mine calls and says his wife almost died of asthma attack.He is close to me.I visit him.I notice he's in pain.I mutter some shit to lift him up.I leave.


• My (former?)best friend calls up one day.He says his grand-mother passed away two days back.He's going back.(He works overseas and had come down few days back to visit his terminally ill granny).I say ok and wish him peace.His granny was the one who raised him after his mom died and dad disowned him.His granny is the only immediate family he had.Though I had told bitter things to him a few days before,we are still on talking terms and are very much friends,if not best friends.I know he is completely shattered and didn't have the strength to face me.He would have broken down and cried the moment he saw me.Maybe that's why he communicated on phone.Now he's gone far away and he's all alone.

Throughout these events,one thing happened which is beginning to scare me.
Nothing seems to shake me.I'm not sad,not worried.I'm calm,composed and clear headed.Though none of this directly affects me,it affected people I love deeply and I should be worried too being a sensitive person I think I am.
But I'm not.I was into spirituality/philosophy stuff from lot of days.Off late, I'm beginning to understand and really able to adapt such things into my life.I'm able to go through various events happening around me from a third person's view (and enjoy sadistically sometimes),rather than first person's perspective.

But I seem to be in a dilemma.
Nothing and absolutely nothing is bothering me.
Am I becoming strong or am I turning into a stone?
Am I becoming mad or content?
Am I attaining spiritual bliss or turning into emotionally challenged?

And quite interestingly all these things are not concerning or worrying me.
It's just my observation of myself.My face is turning into a one-expression wonder.



--despo

This one I have to post

Even though it's unrelated to my blog topic,I have to write this one.
In the India and England 20-20 world cup match which I watched just now,Yuvraj singh of India hit six sixes in an over.For those who don't know the game,it's like hitting six home runs continuously in six attempts.

In cricket's history, this has been done only 2 times before if I have my facts right.It's extremely difficult to do this and if you ask any mathematician,he will tell it's probability is zero.Great effort and sheer guts.Kudos to Yuvraj.

What makes it more special is,he was inspired/instigated into doing this by the opposite side.Flintoff of England,made some rude comment,when he hit a six during his bowling.What was that we may(may never) know only in tomorrow's news.But the point is it must have been pretty rude and Yuvraj looked furious after that which made him hit the ball like that.

A man's pride was hit and he hit back.

What I want to point out (with the risk of being called 'you know what') is that some people are rude and have a sense of false pride against others which make them behave in a way like Flintoff behaved today.

In a game,players must maintain professionalism.It's a matter of pride that one is playing for a country and is representing the country.Any bad behaviour on their part is reflected not only his culture,but will lead to many other conclusions about their background and where they come from.

Be professional,enjoy the game.More than anything else be human.
-----UPDATE------
India wins the 20-20 world cup.Enjoy this video(rather long)


--despo

So true

This is so true.(atleast for me;altough I've never been to therapy.)
Also I understood myself more when I knew:
--I loved her.
--I couldn't tell her.
--I can never have her.
--I cried for her.
--she got married.
--I couldn't stop loving her.
--She will never know that.
--I couldn't love anyone like I love her.
--I hate myself for this.
--I couldn't kill myself even when I wanted to.
--I hate GOD.
--I love GOD.
--I couldn't tell anyone about this.

--despo

AArrrrrrrrgh

Its been a busy last week.After weeks of procrastination and laziness since I first started out in search of a job change,I finally got a job offer last week.
Last week was a busy one.I had to go through 2 days of interview with 3 rounds each and finally they make me an offer.There's not much raise compared to my current pay.It's f*&^ing peanuts and i'm furious.They wasted 2 days of my last week and they come up with a lousy offer.

Their office is pretty far away from my house and I will be blowing away whatever extra I get on gas.Needless to say the insane traffic will drive me mad and will snatch away around 3-4 hours of my life everyday.
No way i'm gonna accept this.
Back to job-search.
--despo

Objectivity

It seems to me,in today's age of information overdrive,we as a society,as individuals are losing out one an important thing:the objective viewpoint.Even those who understand it's need are finding themselves fighting hard to find the needle in the haystack.

Years ago I had read an article in a local magazine on MiG-25 and their role it played in the armed forces.It was well written,with hair raising facts.As a kid,teenager,there is always some degree of romanticism involved with planes(esp fighter planes)and the article stayed with me for a long time.I even have a cutout if the same to this day.

Fast forward to present.
I happened to stumble upon an article in wiki on MiG-25.This had pretty much the same facts on the plane as far as the technical details go.The similarities end there.I found remarkable differences when it came to it's combat/mission info.

The magazine cutout clearly vouched for MiG-25's supremacy.Understandable,given the national pride.
Wiki on the other hand had totally different,if not opposite views on it's operational supremacy.

Now,I don't want to get into a debate on who has/had the best planes around during the cold war era or now.I just want to make a point here.

Wiki is a opensource community project where people contribute and create content.Since many users are monitoring the process,the assumption is that information is authentic or close enough.But it turns out that this isn't entirely true.This is totally understandable.People who contribute to wiki are just that:-people.People are known for being a lot of things.Being objective is not one of them.And they cannot be blamed for that.While some people swear that they are objective without knowing that that's not the case,the others are very objective in being subjective.Since there are people who monitor and correct the discrepancies,wiki is pretty close to being a reliable source of information on practically everything under the sun.Objective or not it does pretty damn good as a mammoth source of information.Hey,above all it's FREE(free as in beer) and far superior compared to the ones which charge money and feed shit to it's customers(cough cough MSoft)

To say,being objective in today's info-flooded world is difficult is indeed an understatement.
Read,read and re-read,become knowledgeable,have strong views and be objective enough(enlightened enough,should i say) to comprehend the fact that sometimes even the great 'you' in you can be wrong.
Soak up as much as you can,of course with a pinch of salt.

But then again,it's just a dePressing thought of mine.
--desparado(and this is not a typo.it's intentional.)

The importance of GOal

I saw the movie "goal" again for the nth time in a cable rerun.Anyone who is a soccer fan will definitely have seen it.
In short,it's a movie of a aspiring footballer,who (un) surprisingly ,against all odds,succeeds in his lifelong dream of becoming a football player.The movie is well made.The actors play their part.It hits the right chord.
What attracts me to movies like this is that you get to see a lifetime of of emotions packed in to a hour and half timespan.
There were moments which captured my attention,notably,

• The boy,santiago's father.He pretty much personifies those who come along and make us think, that dreaming will take you nowhere.He represents the nay-sayers who we come across everyday in our lives.That being his father puts drama into the film.


• Santiago,representing the fight we all go through(or chose not to) in our lives to get the better out of ourselves.The instant where he says "I'm American" when he is introduced as mexican, potrays well the desire any human soul has for better things in life


• The part where he doesn't go back to america to attend to his dead father's affairs is a powerful moment.He says,he has a reason to tell himself that he failed and he was not responsible for it.It's a easy way out.We all procrastinate and find fancy reasons to justify it.He chooses not to.He says to his coach,"You and only you can tell that i'm not good,but i still may not agree with you"


• The distractions that every sportsman/man goes through when successful(drugs,girls...);the temptations of evil in our path.


• He doesn't get to make peace with his father and he dies.He regrets it.This relates to great ironies of life;;death.say what you have to say.There may be no time;not even to regret.The consolation:his dad sees him play before he dies.

It's a good movie on life.Everyone,even people who don't follow football should see it.Infact all great sport movies are not movies about the sport,but about life.

We need to be like a sponge;just keep absorbing(sucking out) good things out of life when and where we come across.
Just try to be better persons.
A great man once said,"If you are still happy,after looking into the mirror everyday,then it's a life well spent".
Heck,many of us fear the mirror let alone see into it.
The significance of introspection should never be lost out in life.It's the best tool we have been provided with and it alone is sufficient to become everything we are not.

--despo

I'm free.

Distance:140kms
People:4
Ride:The beast(not mine) and the ugly(my bike.Bajaj caliber)

About two weeks back,I called up my friend on a saturday morning and we were discussing about one of the realty investment we had jointly made in the other town(B).We never had a chance to look at it and it was decided that we will visit it.

The crazy guy he is,calls up and says let's go in a bike with a couple of other friends.I don't know what I was thinking(I wasn't), I said yes without thinking of the bad shape my bike was in.
(I didn't tell my folks about this.They wouldn't have let me go on a bike.)
We leave at around two in the afternoon,on a cloudy day.We are interrupted intermittently by the rain.I'm nervous about the bike's condition.Midway we have a stop and I call my dad after seeing some10 missed calls on my cell.

He doesn't call me at all unless ....
He is screaming and scolding asking me to throw away my cell;"what's the use if you aren't reachable when needed" he says.Aaargh.
My cousin sister had given birth to a baby(of all the days...) and I was expected to be @ hospital.After evading him by cooking up some story,we continue.We reach town B at 5 in the evening;attend to our affairs there and start back.

Now the real fun began:It's dark and it started to rain.I can't see the road properly without my glasses and I can't see the road properly with water on my glasses and only 2 out of 4 knows how to ride.

I just kept following the other bike from a distance.
We finally made it back to my place by 10:30 in the night.

This may not sound like much but consider this:

• Indian roads can be tricky


• People don't have traffic sense and bikes are mainly used for intra-city commute only


• The highways have potholes at some places which can fatal for two wheelers


• Highways are not accesss-controlled.People,animals,other vehicles cross the roads and drivers have to watch out


• There are speed bumps without proper reflectors and signs which are hard to see at night.

Travelling at around 80mph,in rain,on a slippery road,in a unreliable bike, with no eye-glasses,with cars whizzing past splashing us with water,and with only tail light of my friend's bike as reference and being responsible for on more life other than me gave me a great 'high'.

My friend who rode with me plainly said that he wasn't sure if we could make it safe.

Such a rush OMG.
With age slowly getting the better off of us,I don't know if I can ever take such a risk again.
One thing's for sure:
I will never forget this day in my life.
I had never felt more alive in my entire life before that day.

(interesting times we live in)
--desparado.

Quote#1(Hellboy)

Closing line of the movie:

"What makes a man a man?
A friend of mine once wondered.
Is it his origins?
The way he comes to Life?
I don't think so.
It's the choices he makes.
Not how he starts things...
...but how he decides to end them"
— Agent John Meyers

Lovely

Liz's vital signs are gone when Hellboy returns from the fight, but he whispers into her ear and suddenly her life is restored. When she asks what was that he said, Hellboy replies that he simply told the demons of hell the cost of taking her: "Hey, you on the other side. Let her go. Because for her I'll cross over, and then you'll be sorry." She and Hellboy kiss.

--desparado

The picture

I recently found this pic on flickr.
I have decided to use it as the logo in my profile.

This picture is just so special to me.It signifies unity,oneness.The couple in the picture signifies(for me) coming together of two people, leaving apart their differences,prejudice,insecurities,apprehensions,egos and becoming one.
This is the first step towards realizing HIM.
When two bodies intertwine together and it's impossible to say which one is which;when their souls converge and lose their individuality and experience singularity,that's the first step towards salvation.
For me sex is spiritual,it's divine,it's sacred.
That's the closest a human can get to another.When you love someone,you love the god inside that person.Loving the GOD inside that person is acknowledging of the fact that HE exists everywhere;which says every soul is an extension of your self and that everyone is an extension of HIS self.

This is a very powerful belief which we have in us, even without actually being aware of that.Anyone and everyone who loves someone is automatically acknowledging GOD's existence.Hence there are no atheists as such as for as my thoughts go.

A great sage once said "Spirituality begins where religion ends" and this is very true.Many religions actually consider lust,carnal urges as sin.But for me it's just the soul's attempt to search for god.
Many of us fail to understand this and limit ourselves to bodily pleasures ,failing to understand the significance of sex.
It's the beginning of discovering god.Many are not ready and fail to recognize this and we see relationships failing.






I don't know what kind of girl awaits me in future.But I'm ready for her.

Also i will continue to use the pic as long as I can't find a better one.
(I couldn't find the owner of the pic.Hence whatever license the owner intended it to distribute under,it still applies here.)
--desparado.

And so they amuse....

The phone rings.
It keeps ringing and nobody answers.
I hear a sound;a rhythmic tapping sound and it is starting to get close.
I see a woman,a very old woman walking towards the phone with great effort.
The tapping sound turns out to be that of her walker:-her walking aid.
She's barely able to pick up the receiver,which for her aged hands is seeming heavy.
She listens to the person on the other end for few seconds.
Then slams down the receiver into its place.
She screams loudly which seems odd/impossible to do, given her weak condition:
"When the hell is this going to end."
She then walks away the same way.

Elsewhere,a teenager is standing in the urinal.He closes his flip phone,zips up and leaves.
The wall behind the urinal,where he stood has a small graffiti on it which reads a girl's name and a number along with some tempting literature urging to call the girl whose number is written.

The screen changes and I see the bunch of permanent markers.

I saw this just now and definitely had to blog it.

There is something about great ads which remain in my memory for long.Some are funny,some hilarious,sweet,sexy,vulgar etc.Some even succeed in giving out life lessons.Overall good ads provide us well needed relief(although for a short time) in a world filled with terrorists (alias,24), friends,sicko-weirdos(The bold and the beautiful),lovebugs(How i met your mother), and last but definitely not the least ,
the (lindsay,paris,victoria,..............)

Back to tv.

KISS #1

I found a way to get rid of those annoying 'Edit' buttons from the blog.
Some may find it very convenient but its a eyesore for me.
Follow these instructions for a squeaky clean blog.
And btw, KISS means:

• Keep it simple silly.
• Keep it simple Sam.
• Keep it simple Sally.

(Choose whichever works for you the best)

m o l l y-the beautiful bride.

m o l l y, originally uploaded by jaki good.

With this post and a few more to follow,i'm taking the risk of joining the ranks of what I term as flictch(flickr bitch).
I'm referring to lots of blogs out there which just blog on the images ,giving flickr the free publicity(which they don't need) and page rank(which they deserve).
NO I don't want to be stereo-typed as one of them.
But this photo is totally worth the risk.

Ah,the photo of a beautiful bride(molly i suppose.congrats btw).
I'm happy that i stumbled upon it.
This is the first photo that came my way when i joined flickr and logged in the first time.
The picture is very simple,nothing great;albeit tastefully photographed.
But it's complexity lies in the simplicity.
The girl looks stunning.
She's reaching out,towards a new beginning,eyes filled with hope,joy.
The dress,the flower all are so simple,so innocent,so deep.
She looks happy,A sense of strong feeling,a glow, an aura around her assuring love and nothing but only love can behold her,make her happy for life.
They said,it's not her,it's just the photo.
They are wrong.
It's the people who make the picture.As far the photographer goes,I feel they are the blessed ones,who were fortunate enough to witness in person,the wonders which we only get to see through their eyes.
My prayers for molly.
May god bless you and god bless us all.
Your photo has been a ray of hope to me for a long time to come.

Sucker

sexy babe my art collection, originally uploaded by tml_fan_1313.

i'm a total sucker for artistic nudes,esp the black and white ones.
i also love the ones with couples in it sharing and caring for one another.
Anything that is nude and tastefully done works for me.
(not the gay ones though)

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

totally my hero

What do you do when you fall down?
Do you get up,pick up the pieces and start walking forward?Or do you just fade away into darkness as countless others have?
What do you do when you fall down?
This is a very powerful question.
More often than not, we take the easy way out.
We blame the next person,the system,the society,the country,parents,spouse,HIM and everybody else except ourselves.
It's only few of us who find it in our hearts,the courage,the spirit to keep on trying,stay on fighting for what we believe in and go down smiling in the face of utter failure.
Today while watching the news,I came across such a man, Devraj and was blown away by his story.
Hats of to his perseverance,spirt,never-say-quit attitude.
Man,you are totally my hero.
Read this article, depicting the struggle he did to get back what was taken away from him.
I'm pasting the same article below:

He studied law, fought case for 10 yrs, won it!

Vicky Nanjappa, Bangalore, DHNS:

Litigation is not only time consuming but expensive too. For this man whose saree manufacturing unit was seized, doing a law course was the only way out. Interestingly he completed his law, battled his own case, and finally won it after a 10-year-long legal battle.

M S Devaraj was running a silk saree manufacturing unit at Doddaballapur since 1978. Another unit next to the one run by Mr Devraj had been financed by the Karnataka State Financing Corporation (KSFC). Since his neighbour turned out to be a defaulter, a case had been filed against him for recovery of the loan amount. On January 2 1988, the KSFC officials seized the unit along with that belonging to Devaraj.

An application was filed before the District Court against the action of the KSFC. The court, however, rejected the application following which it was moved to the High Court. After putting up the fight for three years, he decided that the best recourse would be to do a law course so that he could fight his own case.

In 1991, he joined the SJRC Law College in Bangalore and completed his law degree in 1994. Thereafter, he began drafting the applications and fighting his case before the courts.

The High Court directed the district court to conduct an inquiry with regard to the seizure while observing that the seizure was a “barbarous act”. Following this an inquiry was conducted and the district court on July 15 1997, directed the KSFC to re-deliver the excess moveable within 15 days. The KSFC then filed an unsuccessful appeal before the High Court. Finally on December 2 1998, possession of the machinery was handed over to Devraj.

He filed a case before the Civil Judge Sr Division, Doddaballapur, seeking compensation for the losses he had suffered. The court ordered the KSFC to make good the loss while directing the payment of Rs 43,63,000 as compensation.

That's not the end to his story.
He's giving Rs.10/- lakhs of this to charity and will support education of 50 girls every year.