Are you lucky enough?

I have been meaning to explore this thought of mine for quite sometime.Finally, my friend mentioned the same thing which I have been pondering for quite sometime and this made me post it.

I have been stuck on this problem(software bug) at work like forever(2 months).It's really painful to get stuck and not go anywhere.It was very critical that it was to be solved and there was tremondous pressure on me.Not wanting to give up, more out of ego and less to do with conviction, I pushed on, constantly trying out different methods to solve it.Things seemed to get better before getting worse and it was utterly disappointing.I was completely exhausted and fatigued and showing signs of PTSD(to some extent).I finally got a lucky break and fixed it(I wouldn't be here posting if I hadn't!!)

My friend said something, which I suspect, I had known for long: It's hard work that brings luck.Well in my case, I had to get hopeless and miserable before striking luck.

All along this has been my experience whenever I find myself in similar situations (work or otherwise).Never been lucky in the true sense.

I want to know if others had similar experiences?

OR

Were you lucky enough to be lucky?

Aftermath.

I would like to put down on black and white, how I feel so that I can come back and read it when I want to remember this moment.

Here I go:

1.Death of someone close for the first time in my adult life.Though I have memories of other similar incidents, this is the one which I will remember vividly for a long time to come.

2.I don't know whether I'm in pain or not.Maybe I'm shamelessly exploiting myself to get some blog mileage.

3.I fear that I may not feel anything anymore.

Though I was not that close with my granddad during the later years,I have fond childhood memories of him.I just drifted away once I started off with my own life(what a cliché).Still, whenever we met we had meaningful conversations.Somewhere deep down I know that I was his favorite, even though it was never explicitly mentioned.

I have been fighting battles of my own, during all these years and grew apart and away from all people around me;grandpa included.This makes the pain a tad bit more painful.I was told by my folks, just few days before his departure to pay him a visit since the end was expected.I was so consumed by my own problems that I preferred to lay in the comfort of my own misery.Later when it was over, I got the guts to see his face only the day after.I just wanted to run away from all of it.

Still,remembering him, I'm happy that he has left a lot for me learn and cherish from the way he lived his life.I don't want to go down the "my- grandpa-is-the-best" road.I only wish to say that he lived a simple life with simple needs and desires and a great attitude and positive outlook.Maybe we celebrate people better once they die.I don't know.

Though there is a guilt part in me, I very much want to be happy and look forward positively, more than ever;thanks to him.

I actually wanted to post a photo something similar to my last post,but I realize that being unhappy is just not worth it.





Don't waste your time.

Love and only love,
desp

"Power of friends. (part 2)"

have decided not to post the actual transcript of the conversation that went on between my friend and me.
Felt too personal.

Mood:not happy.

Power of friends. (part 1)

I have a friend who is very close to me.We have been friends for almost 11 years now and are practically brothers.I'm trying to set a context for what follows next.So bear with my nonsense.

In 2006,we took a trip to las vegas on the 4th of the July weekend.For some reason and personal egos, we fought like animals and the whole trip was one big mess.Fortunately, after returning we both had the sense to drop the matter and move on.We never discussed further on what went wrong and instead chose to just ignore it as if it never happened.

Now I don't want to analyze as to who was guilty since I now believe that the reason for fight was so trivial that there should not have been one in the first place.

Now, life has taken both of us to different places and we meet once in a year or two.We are still close through internet.One night it just stuck me that things shouldn't have turned out the way it is.I don't know how long or if ever we can steal time from this busy life to spend some time together.So I just mailed him the regret and pain I felt since I couldn't bring myself to call him and tell him.He was online and responded and we had a nice chat where we cleared out lot of things.I feel close to my friend again.



Here goes....



(this poem is dedicated to my friend)
Even though we were mad @ each other,my friend helped me that day by just being there and without he himself knowing.

Never forget that your mere presence can inspire someone.

It took me around two years to thank him for this.
I hope it's not too late in your case too.

The reason I post this is:

I want to remind myself the damages which ego can cause.

It's never late to accept mistakes.Though it might be too late to correct it,the mere act of accepting it (even if only to yourself) will make you a better person.

I just want to be a better person.

I hope somebody else will realize from my experience.


Next post:The actual mail and chat transcript that led to this post.All the dirty details.!!

L-word

[Jenny]"Why are you so good to me?"
[Forrest]"You are my girl."

Such a simple answer.Such a difficult answer.

This is one of those "aha" moments I had.This got me thinking about the l-word.The kind of love that we see in movies and books;pure,ideal,unconditional.This question keeps popping up in my mind again and again.Does this exist?The more I think the more I'm convinced that it doesn't.

Of course Tom Hanks gets it in the movie, but that's a movie.In real life jenny would have ODed and died from drugs or gone off and screwed some rich fat guy.Heck, in real life, there is no forrest gumps around.

I can't find them in movies too.The fat guy lands the fly girl, only after thinning down and breaking up her marriage with the anti-hero.There are girly versions of the same story around too.Why can't fat chick walk off with the stud.Ok ok atleast in fantasy(a.k.a movies).

I know why.It's because that would never be called fantasy.It will become a freak show.Fantasy itself is biased in order to be called a fantasy.
It's not about fat/thin pairing i'm talking here.It's about ideal love.It's just in movies.
These days talking about the l-word makes me feel like vomiting my guts out.Unfortunately, I'm being dragged into the discussion by people around me due to some reason or other.

Let's face it.There is nothing called love.It's pure biology with some chemistry thrown in.Nature's way of keeping species alive.Why are we attracted only to the beautiful ones?Well, baby that's natural selection;Darwin in action.

"Boo-hoo you are an ass", you may say."My parents love me."
Well, it's the closest you can get to defining love.But then again, I say it's not pure love altogether.It's a form of possessive love, which comes due to the fact that they see you as an extension of themselves.Darwin would have said, it's a trick, again played by nature to protect the fresh(as in young) genes.Hence parents have that urge to sacrifice for the welfare of their offspring.It's in the DNA silly.

"Naa na na Naa na. You're wrong again.God loves me", you say.Well, I'm not an atheist.I haven't completely bought out the big bang theory yet.Still I question his existence.At best I can say I'm in the process of finding HIM.And when I do, for all of our sakes, i will sure pop this question to him.


Call me a pessimist,I don't care.I say I'm an idealist.(Too much of Ayn Rand-ism in acti0n here.)
We are scared of asking tough questions.We are scared of truth.Truth is rotten and we are afraid of catching the smell if we ever discover it.

Till then we have all the peter parkers and MJ's keeping us company and keeping the stench out.
Why do you think all the great love stories are tragedies?Because if someone ever dared to live happily ever after, then there wouldn't be a happily ever-after.There would only be nasty divorces and what not.

L-word eludes me.

Smashaana Vairagya

I'm very much interested in Hindu philosophy and Vedas and make it a point to absorb some whenever I can.
This post is on one such topic.
Smashaana vairaagya, when loosely translated reads as graveyardly detachment.I don't even know whether graveyard can be used as adjective.

It refers to the kind of detachment where in, the mind behaves as that of one found in the dead,a.k.a it's dead.The mind lives in a different reality which has got nothing to do with the world in which the body resides.This word is also used to mock some persons, who attain or behave to have attained a spiritual awakening overnight and act as if they are the embodiment of spirituality.In reality this is nothing close to being spiritual and most of them don't stay there for long.

Human beings are programmed to be full of desire and there is nothing wrong in wanting something.The problem doesn't lie there.In fact everyone should give in to their desires and devote their energies in fulfilling them.

This may sound gibberish,but let me explain.There are two kinds of desires.The first one is "the desire to become" and the other one is "the desire to do".The problem lies when somebody desires to become something.
There is a desire to do something and you do it and you become happy.This is natural and perfectly fine.Then, there is a desire to become.In order to become something(happy),we do something and this is where the source of all the pain and suffering lies.

I do something.I will become something.
I will earn money.I will become happy(rich)
I will write a good post.I will become happy(traffic)
I will look good.I will become happy(attract people)
I will hurt him.I will become happy.
I will work hard.I will become happy.(promotion/raise)

These are all fools' recipes for disaster.
Action and desire should be separated in order to find true happiness.
Do something not to BECOME happy,but do something because you find happiness doing it.

Earn money because the process of earning money makes brings you happiness and not under the assumption that becoming rich will bring you joy.Write a good post because you enjoy writing it.Look good because looking good makes you FEEL good.Work hard because you like your work and not to impress your boss.Hurt others not because you will be happy because of it, but because you are (sadistically)happy while you are hurting others.

Action, in anticipation of something(in return) is bound to cause pain.Action in vacuum is necessary.Many are able to separate their actions from expectations.But this is accompanied by a side-effect(a dangerous side side-effect)
With the loss of expectation, comes the loss of desire to act.Once there is nothing to expect from anything or anyone, there is a loss of of an important ingredient that drives life:desire.

The hindu philosophy calls this state as Smashaana Vairaagya.(or graveyardly detachment.)
Many think they have arrived,they have found their calling,their true self.But mistake not;it is a dangerous state and sooner or later they snap out of it and get back to their old habits as a cured drug addict who gets back to his addiction.Only this time, no one can cure him again.

Hence this kind of detachment should be avoided at any cost.This(Now) is happiness.That(tomorrow) is happiness.Everything is happiness and this is as simple as it gets.

Finally, love someone because you love him/her and you love loving that person;you're happy loving that person.And not because you WILL be happy IF you love.
There is a subtle difference between them and it needs to be discovered.(quickly)

It is supremely difficult to be able to continue being actionable, and still be detached from it's results and expectations.

This is summed up by just one line of bhagavad gita:

"Karmanye Vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana."

"You have a right to perform your prescribed action,but you are not entitled to the fruits of your action.
Never consider yourself the cause of the results of your activities,and never be associated to not doing your duty."
(translation source: "Bhagavadgeetha As It Is by A.C.Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada")

So simple.So relevant.

nice.

Nice mail I got today.

" Little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter, "Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river." The little girl said, "No, Dad. You hold my hand." "What's the difference?" Asked the puzzled father. "There's a big difference," replied the little girl. > "If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go." In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of the person who loves you rather than expecting them to hold yours... This message is too short......but carries a lot of Feelings. "

what is happening to me?

The events of past two weeks has got me into seriously thinking about an aspect of mine.
(Somewhere inside I knew this was coming)

In chronological order.(Newer to older)

• I get a call from my best best best best friend's home that he has been admitted to hospital.He was sick all the weekend.Today it got worse.They say if not treated in time,the infection in his throat would have choked his windpipe.I go to the hospital.Help out his parents with many things.See my friend.Don't know what to say.I come back


• A colleague of mine calls and says his wife almost died of asthma attack.He is close to me.I visit him.I notice he's in pain.I mutter some shit to lift him up.I leave.


• My (former?)best friend calls up one day.He says his grand-mother passed away two days back.He's going back.(He works overseas and had come down few days back to visit his terminally ill granny).I say ok and wish him peace.His granny was the one who raised him after his mom died and dad disowned him.His granny is the only immediate family he had.Though I had told bitter things to him a few days before,we are still on talking terms and are very much friends,if not best friends.I know he is completely shattered and didn't have the strength to face me.He would have broken down and cried the moment he saw me.Maybe that's why he communicated on phone.Now he's gone far away and he's all alone.

Throughout these events,one thing happened which is beginning to scare me.
Nothing seems to shake me.I'm not sad,not worried.I'm calm,composed and clear headed.Though none of this directly affects me,it affected people I love deeply and I should be worried too being a sensitive person I think I am.
But I'm not.I was into spirituality/philosophy stuff from lot of days.Off late, I'm beginning to understand and really able to adapt such things into my life.I'm able to go through various events happening around me from a third person's view (and enjoy sadistically sometimes),rather than first person's perspective.

But I seem to be in a dilemma.
Nothing and absolutely nothing is bothering me.
Am I becoming strong or am I turning into a stone?
Am I becoming mad or content?
Am I attaining spiritual bliss or turning into emotionally challenged?

And quite interestingly all these things are not concerning or worrying me.
It's just my observation of myself.My face is turning into a one-expression wonder.



--despo

AArrrrrrrrgh

Its been a busy last week.After weeks of procrastination and laziness since I first started out in search of a job change,I finally got a job offer last week.
Last week was a busy one.I had to go through 2 days of interview with 3 rounds each and finally they make me an offer.There's not much raise compared to my current pay.It's f*&^ing peanuts and i'm furious.They wasted 2 days of my last week and they come up with a lousy offer.

Their office is pretty far away from my house and I will be blowing away whatever extra I get on gas.Needless to say the insane traffic will drive me mad and will snatch away around 3-4 hours of my life everyday.
No way i'm gonna accept this.
Back to job-search.
--despo

The importance of GOal

I saw the movie "goal" again for the nth time in a cable rerun.Anyone who is a soccer fan will definitely have seen it.
In short,it's a movie of a aspiring footballer,who (un) surprisingly ,against all odds,succeeds in his lifelong dream of becoming a football player.The movie is well made.The actors play their part.It hits the right chord.
What attracts me to movies like this is that you get to see a lifetime of of emotions packed in to a hour and half timespan.
There were moments which captured my attention,notably,

• The boy,santiago's father.He pretty much personifies those who come along and make us think, that dreaming will take you nowhere.He represents the nay-sayers who we come across everyday in our lives.That being his father puts drama into the film.


• Santiago,representing the fight we all go through(or chose not to) in our lives to get the better out of ourselves.The instant where he says "I'm American" when he is introduced as mexican, potrays well the desire any human soul has for better things in life


• The part where he doesn't go back to america to attend to his dead father's affairs is a powerful moment.He says,he has a reason to tell himself that he failed and he was not responsible for it.It's a easy way out.We all procrastinate and find fancy reasons to justify it.He chooses not to.He says to his coach,"You and only you can tell that i'm not good,but i still may not agree with you"


• The distractions that every sportsman/man goes through when successful(drugs,girls...);the temptations of evil in our path.


• He doesn't get to make peace with his father and he dies.He regrets it.This relates to great ironies of life;;death.say what you have to say.There may be no time;not even to regret.The consolation:his dad sees him play before he dies.

It's a good movie on life.Everyone,even people who don't follow football should see it.Infact all great sport movies are not movies about the sport,but about life.

We need to be like a sponge;just keep absorbing(sucking out) good things out of life when and where we come across.
Just try to be better persons.
A great man once said,"If you are still happy,after looking into the mirror everyday,then it's a life well spent".
Heck,many of us fear the mirror let alone see into it.
The significance of introspection should never be lost out in life.It's the best tool we have been provided with and it alone is sufficient to become everything we are not.

--despo

m o l l y-the beautiful bride.

m o l l y, originally uploaded by jaki good.

With this post and a few more to follow,i'm taking the risk of joining the ranks of what I term as flictch(flickr bitch).
I'm referring to lots of blogs out there which just blog on the images ,giving flickr the free publicity(which they don't need) and page rank(which they deserve).
NO I don't want to be stereo-typed as one of them.
But this photo is totally worth the risk.

Ah,the photo of a beautiful bride(molly i suppose.congrats btw).
I'm happy that i stumbled upon it.
This is the first photo that came my way when i joined flickr and logged in the first time.
The picture is very simple,nothing great;albeit tastefully photographed.
But it's complexity lies in the simplicity.
The girl looks stunning.
She's reaching out,towards a new beginning,eyes filled with hope,joy.
The dress,the flower all are so simple,so innocent,so deep.
She looks happy,A sense of strong feeling,a glow, an aura around her assuring love and nothing but only love can behold her,make her happy for life.
They said,it's not her,it's just the photo.
They are wrong.
It's the people who make the picture.As far the photographer goes,I feel they are the blessed ones,who were fortunate enough to witness in person,the wonders which we only get to see through their eyes.
My prayers for molly.
May god bless you and god bless us all.
Your photo has been a ray of hope to me for a long time to come.

totally my hero

What do you do when you fall down?
Do you get up,pick up the pieces and start walking forward?Or do you just fade away into darkness as countless others have?
What do you do when you fall down?
This is a very powerful question.
More often than not, we take the easy way out.
We blame the next person,the system,the society,the country,parents,spouse,HIM and everybody else except ourselves.
It's only few of us who find it in our hearts,the courage,the spirit to keep on trying,stay on fighting for what we believe in and go down smiling in the face of utter failure.
Today while watching the news,I came across such a man, Devraj and was blown away by his story.
Hats of to his perseverance,spirt,never-say-quit attitude.
Man,you are totally my hero.
Read this article, depicting the struggle he did to get back what was taken away from him.
I'm pasting the same article below:

He studied law, fought case for 10 yrs, won it!

Vicky Nanjappa, Bangalore, DHNS:

Litigation is not only time consuming but expensive too. For this man whose saree manufacturing unit was seized, doing a law course was the only way out. Interestingly he completed his law, battled his own case, and finally won it after a 10-year-long legal battle.

M S Devaraj was running a silk saree manufacturing unit at Doddaballapur since 1978. Another unit next to the one run by Mr Devraj had been financed by the Karnataka State Financing Corporation (KSFC). Since his neighbour turned out to be a defaulter, a case had been filed against him for recovery of the loan amount. On January 2 1988, the KSFC officials seized the unit along with that belonging to Devaraj.

An application was filed before the District Court against the action of the KSFC. The court, however, rejected the application following which it was moved to the High Court. After putting up the fight for three years, he decided that the best recourse would be to do a law course so that he could fight his own case.

In 1991, he joined the SJRC Law College in Bangalore and completed his law degree in 1994. Thereafter, he began drafting the applications and fighting his case before the courts.

The High Court directed the district court to conduct an inquiry with regard to the seizure while observing that the seizure was a “barbarous act”. Following this an inquiry was conducted and the district court on July 15 1997, directed the KSFC to re-deliver the excess moveable within 15 days. The KSFC then filed an unsuccessful appeal before the High Court. Finally on December 2 1998, possession of the machinery was handed over to Devraj.

He filed a case before the Civil Judge Sr Division, Doddaballapur, seeking compensation for the losses he had suffered. The court ordered the KSFC to make good the loss while directing the payment of Rs 43,63,000 as compensation.

That's not the end to his story.
He's giving Rs.10/- lakhs of this to charity and will support education of 50 girls every year.