Power of friends. (part 1)

I have a friend who is very close to me.We have been friends for almost 11 years now and are practically brothers.I'm trying to set a context for what follows next.So bear with my nonsense.

In 2006,we took a trip to las vegas on the 4th of the July weekend.For some reason and personal egos, we fought like animals and the whole trip was one big mess.Fortunately, after returning we both had the sense to drop the matter and move on.We never discussed further on what went wrong and instead chose to just ignore it as if it never happened.

Now I don't want to analyze as to who was guilty since I now believe that the reason for fight was so trivial that there should not have been one in the first place.

Now, life has taken both of us to different places and we meet once in a year or two.We are still close through internet.One night it just stuck me that things shouldn't have turned out the way it is.I don't know how long or if ever we can steal time from this busy life to spend some time together.So I just mailed him the regret and pain I felt since I couldn't bring myself to call him and tell him.He was online and responded and we had a nice chat where we cleared out lot of things.I feel close to my friend again.



Here goes....



(this poem is dedicated to my friend)
Even though we were mad @ each other,my friend helped me that day by just being there and without he himself knowing.

Never forget that your mere presence can inspire someone.

It took me around two years to thank him for this.
I hope it's not too late in your case too.

The reason I post this is:

I want to remind myself the damages which ego can cause.

It's never late to accept mistakes.Though it might be too late to correct it,the mere act of accepting it (even if only to yourself) will make you a better person.

I just want to be a better person.

I hope somebody else will realize from my experience.


Next post:The actual mail and chat transcript that led to this post.All the dirty details.!!

why do we do what we do?

For the past four years I have been pursuing a dream.A dream that is so close to my heart that I wish not to disclose it (even)here;even in the cover of anonymity.All I have to say is that it has nothing to do with the matters of heart.

I have been oscillating through a wide range of emotions during this pursuit of mine.It has brought me much pain,despair, made me lose faith, got me depressed.........
It has also helped me in discovering myself, given me energy,hope, faith etc.It has been of a dual nature bringing me sadness and happiness all at the same time.

I became a social recluse refusing to interact with the outside world except for when it was absolutely necessary. I have just retreated into a shell.To sum it up, it has cost me substantial amount of my time and energy.

Now even though I don't have the obsession that I had in the beginning, the fire is still there burning as before.I have kept trying hard to make my dream real.On the way, I have lost patience and gave up many times.I have writhed in pain and despair and given up one day, only to pick up where I left off the next day.Even in the face of utter despair I have refused to give up.Some times I feel like a crazy man who is trying to break a stone wall with bare hands.I have visuals of myself doing that.(that's not me in the pic)

Yet I continue.

This has made me think why I haven't give up (yet).What is that inside me that has made me behave in this way. I have thought about it a lot.I would love to say that it is in my nature to not give up.I'm someone who doesn't stop no matter what.


I would love to say all that.But I would be lying.Though ego hurts, I have given up numerous times.But this one is making me more miserable than anything else I have experienced and still I' refuse to let it go.At first it was an ego thing but now I'm beginning to doubt the extent of my ego.

"A man's desire should never become his weakness" --(a rare original from your's truly.)

I think I have finally found the reason for my stubbornness.It is something very silly.I don't give up because I don't have anything else to do.I can't sit idle.As long as I can I might as well do something.This might as well be it.I need something to push me so that I can (try) push it back.With every passing moment I feel I'm losing a part of myself in this pursuit and yet ,I push on.I have nothing other that to offer.I'm starting to feel more like a machine programmed to accomplish certain task which has no emotional attachment with or any incentive to take from the outcome of the task

It's like a terminator who has no use once his mission is over.Immaterial of the outcome of the mission, once it's over he has no reason to exist.


Only difference is I want to exist (I'm not suicidal!!) and I can't exist without a reason and I'm finding a reason.

It is my attempt at finding "method to madness".

Has anyone felt the same way?

NEXT POST: too(two) depressing(a.k.a ...) - ep1

Smashaana Vairagya

I'm very much interested in Hindu philosophy and Vedas and make it a point to absorb some whenever I can.
This post is on one such topic.
Smashaana vairaagya, when loosely translated reads as graveyardly detachment.I don't even know whether graveyard can be used as adjective.

It refers to the kind of detachment where in, the mind behaves as that of one found in the dead,a.k.a it's dead.The mind lives in a different reality which has got nothing to do with the world in which the body resides.This word is also used to mock some persons, who attain or behave to have attained a spiritual awakening overnight and act as if they are the embodiment of spirituality.In reality this is nothing close to being spiritual and most of them don't stay there for long.

Human beings are programmed to be full of desire and there is nothing wrong in wanting something.The problem doesn't lie there.In fact everyone should give in to their desires and devote their energies in fulfilling them.

This may sound gibberish,but let me explain.There are two kinds of desires.The first one is "the desire to become" and the other one is "the desire to do".The problem lies when somebody desires to become something.
There is a desire to do something and you do it and you become happy.This is natural and perfectly fine.Then, there is a desire to become.In order to become something(happy),we do something and this is where the source of all the pain and suffering lies.

I do something.I will become something.
I will earn money.I will become happy(rich)
I will write a good post.I will become happy(traffic)
I will look good.I will become happy(attract people)
I will hurt him.I will become happy.
I will work hard.I will become happy.(promotion/raise)

These are all fools' recipes for disaster.
Action and desire should be separated in order to find true happiness.
Do something not to BECOME happy,but do something because you find happiness doing it.

Earn money because the process of earning money makes brings you happiness and not under the assumption that becoming rich will bring you joy.Write a good post because you enjoy writing it.Look good because looking good makes you FEEL good.Work hard because you like your work and not to impress your boss.Hurt others not because you will be happy because of it, but because you are (sadistically)happy while you are hurting others.

Action, in anticipation of something(in return) is bound to cause pain.Action in vacuum is necessary.Many are able to separate their actions from expectations.But this is accompanied by a side-effect(a dangerous side side-effect)
With the loss of expectation, comes the loss of desire to act.Once there is nothing to expect from anything or anyone, there is a loss of of an important ingredient that drives life:desire.

The hindu philosophy calls this state as Smashaana Vairaagya.(or graveyardly detachment.)
Many think they have arrived,they have found their calling,their true self.But mistake not;it is a dangerous state and sooner or later they snap out of it and get back to their old habits as a cured drug addict who gets back to his addiction.Only this time, no one can cure him again.

Hence this kind of detachment should be avoided at any cost.This(Now) is happiness.That(tomorrow) is happiness.Everything is happiness and this is as simple as it gets.

Finally, love someone because you love him/her and you love loving that person;you're happy loving that person.And not because you WILL be happy IF you love.
There is a subtle difference between them and it needs to be discovered.(quickly)

It is supremely difficult to be able to continue being actionable, and still be detached from it's results and expectations.

This is summed up by just one line of bhagavad gita:

"Karmanye Vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana."

"You have a right to perform your prescribed action,but you are not entitled to the fruits of your action.
Never consider yourself the cause of the results of your activities,and never be associated to not doing your duty."
(translation source: "Bhagavadgeetha As It Is by A.C.Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada")

So simple.So relevant.

This is what happens when you overdo "commenting"

(can't decide on the title of this post.)
I started out to comment on this post and (as they say) one thing led to another(pun intended) and I ended up writing much more than a comment.Life is funny and indeterministic.

Here it is:

There is always certain stages which happens in spiritual growth.


1.belief in god because of upbringing.(innocence)
2.hate and anger in god bcoz of failures and frustrations.(loss of innocence)
3.disbelief as a lifestyle statement, a fad.(teen years)
4.then life happens.One can't possibly explain things happening around by just logic and science.(life crisis.)
5.beginning to believe in existence of supernatural force yet not fully convinced.(awakening/initiation)
6.acknowledge there is something out there and want to discover that something(GOD?).GODDD this is difficult.Many don't find it in them to proceed further and/or abandon mid-way.(The road seldom travelled.)
7.Discover god.
(realization/bliss/heaven/orgasm/death/love??/peace......)

mother(Teresa) was in stage 6 probably and couldn't realize the next level.Her writings signify the pain and suffering in step 6.We'll never know if she went into step 7.

It(step 6) is a very long and frustrating phase.Patience doesn't help here.Patience is an understatement.Only blind faith can/will do.

In today's world we see things we can't believe and hence believing something which we can't see and feel,is like going against everything we have been programmed not to do.There is this crippling fear of (what i would like to call) 'getting conned'.

Faith is difficult and blind faith is pure agony if tried without a heavy dose of,well...blind faith.

But faith is powerful.Faith makes unreal things real.

Long before,when I started to question idol worship, and confided that in a spiritual guru,this is what he had to say.
"Do you think god exists in those idols?I don't think so",he said.I didn't get it. His viewpoint which he subsequently explained: It's the people, who, with their faith make something as trivial as a piece of stone,a picture,a person into something which it's not:-larger than life.It's their power of worship which puts power back into the idol.That time it didn't have much effect on me.But looking back,I now really believe it.If it works for someone,then why not believe it?


Modern world says it's placebo effect,it's the mind over matter.Blah blah blah......whatever.I know it by a different name.I call it faith.I call it miracle.I call it GOD.I call it love.
What's in a name?

"faith prevails when hope dies."
(not an original.)

Enemy:Hell,it's too good to be (just) a comment.I'm putting this up in my blog.