Aftermath.

I would like to put down on black and white, how I feel so that I can come back and read it when I want to remember this moment.

Here I go:

1.Death of someone close for the first time in my adult life.Though I have memories of other similar incidents, this is the one which I will remember vividly for a long time to come.

2.I don't know whether I'm in pain or not.Maybe I'm shamelessly exploiting myself to get some blog mileage.

3.I fear that I may not feel anything anymore.

Though I was not that close with my granddad during the later years,I have fond childhood memories of him.I just drifted away once I started off with my own life(what a cliché).Still, whenever we met we had meaningful conversations.Somewhere deep down I know that I was his favorite, even though it was never explicitly mentioned.

I have been fighting battles of my own, during all these years and grew apart and away from all people around me;grandpa included.This makes the pain a tad bit more painful.I was told by my folks, just few days before his departure to pay him a visit since the end was expected.I was so consumed by my own problems that I preferred to lay in the comfort of my own misery.Later when it was over, I got the guts to see his face only the day after.I just wanted to run away from all of it.

Still,remembering him, I'm happy that he has left a lot for me learn and cherish from the way he lived his life.I don't want to go down the "my- grandpa-is-the-best" road.I only wish to say that he lived a simple life with simple needs and desires and a great attitude and positive outlook.Maybe we celebrate people better once they die.I don't know.

Though there is a guilt part in me, I very much want to be happy and look forward positively, more than ever;thanks to him.

I actually wanted to post a photo something similar to my last post,but I realize that being unhappy is just not worth it.





Don't waste your time.

Love and only love,
desp

Art in motion

Art is an unsolved aspect of human psyche.
It reveals itself in bits which only adds to it's mystery.
Nobody knows why it is.Artists are a peculiar group who seldom care about anything else more than their trade.
I envy them for that.They behave as if they have found all the answers and got nothing to ask from anyone when they are involved in their art.
I passionately envy those whose art arises out of misery and pain around them.
It helps them forget the world around while creating something beautiful.
Power to create something is the single most hateful thing I have against them.
Only god and nature apart from artists share this unique ability.
God himself must be one sick artist.Art arises out of a damaged brain or out of pain.Sane people are rarely gifted.I'm not using sanity in it's usual meaning but in a much wonderful and subtle way.In fact so wonderful that there must be something really wrong with it!
You see perfection is in fact a flaw.
Damaged goods is not an adjective that can be easily acquired.
Also I do believe that anything can be achieved if you really want it.
Still artists are a class apart and I think that god differentiates between men of art and rest of us by being favorable to the former.
I don't know how and I don't know why.


Below is an original and first attempt at poetry by yours truly:

Have promises to keep.
Only,then can I sleep.

Made are vows to myself
Never to see thy's weaker self.

Get long way to go.
Before I can slow.

Till then I find solace in pain
fighting for a chance to gain.

I keep going my way.
With nothing to say,
got no time to pray.

I struggle and wither,
to see myself in mirror,
as I used to before.


Parting words: If you can understand one person completely, you have known god then.

Let's agree on something.

Ever since I started to think about what this life is all about,it has been a very confused existence.

I wish I had blindly followed some mad man/men or their religion which wants me to just unconditionally believe in (it's) higher authority.I would have even settled for having the confidence with which this chick begs people that for god's sake don't be taken for a ride.

I have read and continue to read many books on spirituality,evolution,science etc in my quest.I'm proud to say that I have found an answer.And the answer is there is gonna be none anytime sooner or for that matter later.I'm relieved to arrive to this.I hope others realize this too.

I've read men of science passionately defending their beliefs(I specifically call them beliefs and not as theories.) with "facts" and find them wanting.You see, these facts are based on some assumptions which are generally "assumed" as "true".Somebody please try convincing Neo (guys I'm talking about Matrix) that the air he is breathing is just a sensory input to his brain.Huh.He just chose to believe or rather his curiosity led him to take the road less traveled and he was able to discover the "truth".Was it the truth or did he enter the actual matrix from the real world!! Every day something new is being discovered,some so-called radical,obnoxious idea is becoming less unbearable.Science is evolving.Our understanding of how universe functions is changing.Even to this day we know very little of human body.What should make us think that we will know it all.It's just a matter of time, kid.Well it's not.

More over, I'm reluctant to believe that life on this planet was an accident.That water occupies most of the earth's surface which made life possible is just an accident.Just see how a child grows up to be if you tell him that his conception was an accident in the back seat of a car.Somebody explain me the logic of sexual reproduction and how that it is a logical step in the evolution.Wasn't asexual multiplication good enough? The evolution story is just an attempt of the logical man to explain life as we see it.

Religion/God/Supernatural is another poor and earlier attempt by man to explain life as we see it.God is a wonderful and comforting concept which puts to rest many disturbing questions we have about ourselves.This holds good only if you believe blindly in supernatural as men of logic believe in science.I can't bring myself to completely embrace god because he represents the unknown,the big void I see when I look up into the sky.I have got many questions for him but he is nowhere to be found.I find some comfort in spirituality because it wants me to be a seeker and don't like religion since it asks me to be a believer.

When there is no challenging of existing beliefs, there is no seeking.Without that there is no scope to extend the reaches of our understanding.

I have read some science fellas trying to narrate the supernatural in the language of science(Heisenberg uncertainty principle,quantum physics,god particle etc).I'm happy that they have an open mind.I love spirituality since it begs of me to keep an open mind and keeps me happy.

In this context, death is very interesting phase of life, since it is promising to answer many questions.

Till then, I'm a man who proudly claims that the only thing which he's certain about is that he's not.
Agree that we're ignorant.It's a wonderful feeling.I promise.

why do we do what we do?

For the past four years I have been pursuing a dream.A dream that is so close to my heart that I wish not to disclose it (even)here;even in the cover of anonymity.All I have to say is that it has nothing to do with the matters of heart.

I have been oscillating through a wide range of emotions during this pursuit of mine.It has brought me much pain,despair, made me lose faith, got me depressed.........
It has also helped me in discovering myself, given me energy,hope, faith etc.It has been of a dual nature bringing me sadness and happiness all at the same time.

I became a social recluse refusing to interact with the outside world except for when it was absolutely necessary. I have just retreated into a shell.To sum it up, it has cost me substantial amount of my time and energy.

Now even though I don't have the obsession that I had in the beginning, the fire is still there burning as before.I have kept trying hard to make my dream real.On the way, I have lost patience and gave up many times.I have writhed in pain and despair and given up one day, only to pick up where I left off the next day.Even in the face of utter despair I have refused to give up.Some times I feel like a crazy man who is trying to break a stone wall with bare hands.I have visuals of myself doing that.(that's not me in the pic)

Yet I continue.

This has made me think why I haven't give up (yet).What is that inside me that has made me behave in this way. I have thought about it a lot.I would love to say that it is in my nature to not give up.I'm someone who doesn't stop no matter what.


I would love to say all that.But I would be lying.Though ego hurts, I have given up numerous times.But this one is making me more miserable than anything else I have experienced and still I' refuse to let it go.At first it was an ego thing but now I'm beginning to doubt the extent of my ego.

"A man's desire should never become his weakness" --(a rare original from your's truly.)

I think I have finally found the reason for my stubbornness.It is something very silly.I don't give up because I don't have anything else to do.I can't sit idle.As long as I can I might as well do something.This might as well be it.I need something to push me so that I can (try) push it back.With every passing moment I feel I'm losing a part of myself in this pursuit and yet ,I push on.I have nothing other that to offer.I'm starting to feel more like a machine programmed to accomplish certain task which has no emotional attachment with or any incentive to take from the outcome of the task

It's like a terminator who has no use once his mission is over.Immaterial of the outcome of the mission, once it's over he has no reason to exist.


Only difference is I want to exist (I'm not suicidal!!) and I can't exist without a reason and I'm finding a reason.

It is my attempt at finding "method to madness".

Has anyone felt the same way?

NEXT POST: too(two) depressing(a.k.a ...) - ep1

We are all hypocrites

Nowadays,I seem to getting random thoughts just like that without any effort.It must be due to my voracious reading coupled with my subconscious mind which seems to be running ahead of my conscious self.These thoughts, which I wish to call as self-realization are manifesting by themselves, without any effort by my self.

Suddenly it hit me one day that we all are hypocrites.I'm a hypocrite.
As a child I remember being obsessively passionate about things I set my sights on.I used to cry,fight,hit,plead and do whatever it took to convince or force my parents into getting them to buy stuff or do things I wanted.Whenever my persuasions failed,I used to hate them.I cried,didn't talk to them for days.I tried my best to frustrate them for what I used to call deception done by them.

Look at me now.I deceive myself everyday.I see stuff.I like it and I happily settle to the fact that I can't get it.I see fit people and promise myself to get fit and forget it the next moment.I say to myself every morning, that it'll be a good day and fail miserably every single day.Still after all these I don't carry any grudge against my self and certainly don't treat myself as I treated my parents.Who am I kidding?


I'm expecting less from myself than I expect from others and I don't seem to be too much concerned.I expect more from my parents,friends,employer,God.I have conveniently missed the most important name on the list.Myself.This realization hit me hard.
I desperately need to find it in my self to demand better off me.I can't settle for anything less.A famous saying goes,"You must be the change you want to see in the world".
I hope it's not just wishful thinking.

One needs to get out of their own skins and see themselves as a separate person and judge themselves as one judges others.

Do it NOWWWWWWW!!!(KISS #2)

ripped from here.Copyright as intended by the owner.

nice.

Nice mail I got today.

" Little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter, "Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river." The little girl said, "No, Dad. You hold my hand." "What's the difference?" Asked the puzzled father. "There's a big difference," replied the little girl. > "If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go." In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of the person who loves you rather than expecting them to hold yours... This message is too short......but carries a lot of Feelings. "

Bring me to life

"I struggle on and on to feed this hunger burning deep inside of me"

Dude: Dude,have you seen the video of [song name] by [band name].It's good.
Me: No.(WTF.Must be some lame band.Dude's gone crazy.Keeps following every single music/movie released.)
Dude: Man it's too good.You gotta see this.I'm telling you.It's cool.
Me: ok.(whatever)
(Dude gives me the songs of that album the next day.I dump it into my collection and forget it.)

About six months later.
(Returning from movie...)
Dude:The movie sucks.I told you to skip this.But you dragged me too into this.It was a waste of time.
Me: Dude,I knew it too.I didn't come for the movie.I came to see you know who.I'm mad for her ever since I saw her on that TV series.She kicks ass.
Dude:Grrrrrrr...You don't have good taste.There are prettier girls around.
Me:Forget it.Did you notice the songs that played in the background?I liked them.I have to search for them now.
Dude:Aaah...I gave those songs to you long time back.I bet you haven't bothered to look into them even once.You're a !$@!$%%(grrrr....grrrrr)

"don't try to fix me I'm not broken"

This was the conversation that went on years ago between me and my buddy.
The movie was Daredevil.(Yeah.It sucks.)
The "you know who" was Jennifer Garner.(My friend finally agreed that I do have a good taste;well..., only after Ben and Jen got married).
And, the band was Evanescence.

Just as my friend was wrong about Jennifer Garner,I was about Evanescence.That night I went home and listened to the album(fallen) all night and quite predictably I fell for it.This was just the beginning.Listening to the bands' songs became my daily routine,quite literally.Day and night my faithful Ipod drained the music into my brains,just like glucose is fed intravenously to a patient's veins.If somebody would've paid me for listening to their songs(amy, are you reading this?),I was ready to take up the job .And finally the grand-daddy of all:
I actually bought(read as in 'spending money') the album.Now, those who know me in person will understand this.I'm frugal and only spend if i'm absolutely certain of what I buy.Spending for me, is like getting into a long term commitment(now, I'm exaggerating).I think a lot.Though I love music as much as the next guy, I hardly spend money for music though I have a big collection.So to say I was blown away by evanescences' music would be an understatement.

Music is a strange thing.It's hard to put it in words, but there is something about music which strikes the right chord.One doesn't needs to be 'qualified' or lean on other's to make a choice.Maybe it's one of those areas where no one gives a shit as far as critics' opinions are concerned(are there any?).

"I tried to kill the pain but only brought more."

Back to evanescence;their music sat with me deeply.It connected with my inner self.It had the healing power which I needed.Let's just say I was going through one of those phases in life which I don't want to look back upon; and it was a rather long phase.It gave words, to stuff, I couldn't find words for;it helped me connect with myself;helped me connect to god.I'm not a fan of rock music.Still this was different.It was a godsend.Amy lee's voice is ghost-like,haunting.It's like crying out to GOD.The lyrics are beautiful too.They are full of remorse,criticism and cruelty towards god (and self).Desperately trying to reach out for him in search of mercy,help,salvation.

Off late, there is no good music coming out from them.They had some re-organization in their band.Few left,few joined.They released a new album.It was not that impressive(I thought).

" without the mask,where will you hide.can't find yourself;lost in your lie "

Many bands have come and gone.Some made it.Some failed miserably and went down without a trace and some ended up becoming one song(one album) wonder.They come up with that one song,that one album, which goes on to become a raging hit,all-time classic, and then,....that's it.They fade away into darkness never to be heard again.I badly wish this is not the case with them.

Evanescences' initial songs are good and enough for a lifetime of hearing.Still my soul yearns for more.Amy, I'm waiting.I heartily hope that your music will be anything but evanescent.
Evanescence for life.
Evanescence till death.
Music for peace.
--despo

"Breathe into me and make me real.Bring me to life."

what is happening to me?

The events of past two weeks has got me into seriously thinking about an aspect of mine.
(Somewhere inside I knew this was coming)

In chronological order.(Newer to older)

• I get a call from my best best best best friend's home that he has been admitted to hospital.He was sick all the weekend.Today it got worse.They say if not treated in time,the infection in his throat would have choked his windpipe.I go to the hospital.Help out his parents with many things.See my friend.Don't know what to say.I come back


• A colleague of mine calls and says his wife almost died of asthma attack.He is close to me.I visit him.I notice he's in pain.I mutter some shit to lift him up.I leave.


• My (former?)best friend calls up one day.He says his grand-mother passed away two days back.He's going back.(He works overseas and had come down few days back to visit his terminally ill granny).I say ok and wish him peace.His granny was the one who raised him after his mom died and dad disowned him.His granny is the only immediate family he had.Though I had told bitter things to him a few days before,we are still on talking terms and are very much friends,if not best friends.I know he is completely shattered and didn't have the strength to face me.He would have broken down and cried the moment he saw me.Maybe that's why he communicated on phone.Now he's gone far away and he's all alone.

Throughout these events,one thing happened which is beginning to scare me.
Nothing seems to shake me.I'm not sad,not worried.I'm calm,composed and clear headed.Though none of this directly affects me,it affected people I love deeply and I should be worried too being a sensitive person I think I am.
But I'm not.I was into spirituality/philosophy stuff from lot of days.Off late, I'm beginning to understand and really able to adapt such things into my life.I'm able to go through various events happening around me from a third person's view (and enjoy sadistically sometimes),rather than first person's perspective.

But I seem to be in a dilemma.
Nothing and absolutely nothing is bothering me.
Am I becoming strong or am I turning into a stone?
Am I becoming mad or content?
Am I attaining spiritual bliss or turning into emotionally challenged?

And quite interestingly all these things are not concerning or worrying me.
It's just my observation of myself.My face is turning into a one-expression wonder.



--despo

So true

This is so true.(atleast for me;altough I've never been to therapy.)
Also I understood myself more when I knew:
--I loved her.
--I couldn't tell her.
--I can never have her.
--I cried for her.
--she got married.
--I couldn't stop loving her.
--She will never know that.
--I couldn't love anyone like I love her.
--I hate myself for this.
--I couldn't kill myself even when I wanted to.
--I hate GOD.
--I love GOD.
--I couldn't tell anyone about this.

--despo

AArrrrrrrrgh

Its been a busy last week.After weeks of procrastination and laziness since I first started out in search of a job change,I finally got a job offer last week.
Last week was a busy one.I had to go through 2 days of interview with 3 rounds each and finally they make me an offer.There's not much raise compared to my current pay.It's f*&^ing peanuts and i'm furious.They wasted 2 days of my last week and they come up with a lousy offer.

Their office is pretty far away from my house and I will be blowing away whatever extra I get on gas.Needless to say the insane traffic will drive me mad and will snatch away around 3-4 hours of my life everyday.
No way i'm gonna accept this.
Back to job-search.
--despo

Objectivity

It seems to me,in today's age of information overdrive,we as a society,as individuals are losing out one an important thing:the objective viewpoint.Even those who understand it's need are finding themselves fighting hard to find the needle in the haystack.

Years ago I had read an article in a local magazine on MiG-25 and their role it played in the armed forces.It was well written,with hair raising facts.As a kid,teenager,there is always some degree of romanticism involved with planes(esp fighter planes)and the article stayed with me for a long time.I even have a cutout if the same to this day.

Fast forward to present.
I happened to stumble upon an article in wiki on MiG-25.This had pretty much the same facts on the plane as far as the technical details go.The similarities end there.I found remarkable differences when it came to it's combat/mission info.

The magazine cutout clearly vouched for MiG-25's supremacy.Understandable,given the national pride.
Wiki on the other hand had totally different,if not opposite views on it's operational supremacy.

Now,I don't want to get into a debate on who has/had the best planes around during the cold war era or now.I just want to make a point here.

Wiki is a opensource community project where people contribute and create content.Since many users are monitoring the process,the assumption is that information is authentic or close enough.But it turns out that this isn't entirely true.This is totally understandable.People who contribute to wiki are just that:-people.People are known for being a lot of things.Being objective is not one of them.And they cannot be blamed for that.While some people swear that they are objective without knowing that that's not the case,the others are very objective in being subjective.Since there are people who monitor and correct the discrepancies,wiki is pretty close to being a reliable source of information on practically everything under the sun.Objective or not it does pretty damn good as a mammoth source of information.Hey,above all it's FREE(free as in beer) and far superior compared to the ones which charge money and feed shit to it's customers(cough cough MSoft)

To say,being objective in today's info-flooded world is difficult is indeed an understatement.
Read,read and re-read,become knowledgeable,have strong views and be objective enough(enlightened enough,should i say) to comprehend the fact that sometimes even the great 'you' in you can be wrong.
Soak up as much as you can,of course with a pinch of salt.

But then again,it's just a dePressing thought of mine.
--desparado(and this is not a typo.it's intentional.)

it actually has a name

I always feel depressed just after having sex.(masturbation is the only kind of sex i've ever had)
This was mild at the beginning,but lately from about 2 months i feel like crying just after orgasm.
The moment is hard to describe.I hit rock-bottom and feel severely depressed and sometimes even cry after ejaculation.

This really started to worry me.
Did some googling and found out that there is actually a condition like that.
It's called post-coital depression and i'm pretty sure i suffer from it.

--sg
not quitting.

I actually wrote this to my (ex) best-friend

now that the H1B saga is over(??), i want to bring few points to your notice.
If you are already aware then it's a refresh.

1.i'm thoroughly dissatisfied with the enthusiasm you showed in finding me a H1 sponsor.Initially you were very indifferent and showed little or no interest till the last moment.
You just kept on giving some excuses.
I will never know if it was deliberate or not.If it was deliberate then, i can't possibly think of a reason.
if it was not deliberate and you were really not able to find any H1 guy, then i expected you to have told me.I at the least expected that much openness.

2.Then you got us sam uncle.
I don't want to begin talking about him.it will definitely be a novel,not a mail.
all i have to say about him is, i wouldn't have recommended him to my friends.
This i'm not telling because of the money matter, but because of the agony I went through for 5-6 months.i just don't care about that money anymore.

summing up:
1.the whole experience has shaken many of my beliefs.
2.I don't think i will ever trust anyone like the way i used to before.
3.I lost trust in my best friend.
4.have become more cynical.


this is rubbish $%!#^%@$&.
--sg
not quitting

You know you are depressed when........

• You write non-sense for others to read(i.e blog)
• read what other losers have written(reading blogs of people who are self-obsessed)
• you try to introspect why you are depressed.(what i'm doing right now)