and it keeps happening...

I see her and it's that old feeling all over again.This time though I don't let myself go blind in love.I let the thought indulge me for some more time being careful not to indulge it.It's not the first time and I'm not a fool any more.Just can't afford to feel things.

I turn off the light and go to sleep hoping there will be less of heartache the next day.
We all dream of things,stuff in life.What do you do when reality hits you?What can you do?How do you deal with disappointment?

I'm wiser nowadays(at least I think so.).I'm not getting bothered by stuff that used to keep me off sleep before.

But I don't know what scares me more:my happiness or fear of realizing sometime in future that I wasn't really happy in the first place to begin with.

Fuck that.I'm fine now.

Aftermath.

I would like to put down on black and white, how I feel so that I can come back and read it when I want to remember this moment.

Here I go:

1.Death of someone close for the first time in my adult life.Though I have memories of other similar incidents, this is the one which I will remember vividly for a long time to come.

2.I don't know whether I'm in pain or not.Maybe I'm shamelessly exploiting myself to get some blog mileage.

3.I fear that I may not feel anything anymore.

Though I was not that close with my granddad during the later years,I have fond childhood memories of him.I just drifted away once I started off with my own life(what a cliché).Still, whenever we met we had meaningful conversations.Somewhere deep down I know that I was his favorite, even though it was never explicitly mentioned.

I have been fighting battles of my own, during all these years and grew apart and away from all people around me;grandpa included.This makes the pain a tad bit more painful.I was told by my folks, just few days before his departure to pay him a visit since the end was expected.I was so consumed by my own problems that I preferred to lay in the comfort of my own misery.Later when it was over, I got the guts to see his face only the day after.I just wanted to run away from all of it.

Still,remembering him, I'm happy that he has left a lot for me learn and cherish from the way he lived his life.I don't want to go down the "my- grandpa-is-the-best" road.I only wish to say that he lived a simple life with simple needs and desires and a great attitude and positive outlook.Maybe we celebrate people better once they die.I don't know.

Though there is a guilt part in me, I very much want to be happy and look forward positively, more than ever;thanks to him.

I actually wanted to post a photo something similar to my last post,but I realize that being unhappy is just not worth it.





Don't waste your time.

Love and only love,
desp

The whole universe conspires....

..to screw you.

Goodbye grandpa.You will always be in my heart.

I'm feeling guilty,sad and angry.

In order to attain anything in this world, you first have to relinquish your attachment to it.

I came across a very good story of sorts recently and I wish to put it down here.

There was a group of monks returning to their abode inside the forest.The group comprised of a guru and his followers.It was a rainy season and they came across a river which was flowing very rapid.It was difficult and dangerous to cross.They saw a very pretty woman who was trying to cross but was unable to.Her clothes were wet and it was doing a poor job of concealing her beauty.

One of the disciples offered help and carried her across the river.Other disciples were shocked since it was forbidden to even think about women.Touching was almost criminal.These monks were supposed to be free from any worldly desires and kama.So they kept discussing about the fellow monk's action and when they reached their home, one of them asked the guru about this.

Guru had only one thing to say,"He carried her only across the river.But you are still carrying her."

Wow!!

Personal update:
I hate this since I don't want to bore people with my shit.But sometimes, it's just too much.
Working my ass off and hardly have time to spare.
Some things are not working out as expected.
Generally sad and hating every moment of it.

What you shouldn't do.

I'll tell you what you shouldn't do if you are remotely entertaining the possibility of getting married:
1. Watch revolutionary road.
2. Watch the last kiss the next day.

Make your kids watch it early in life (if u manage to have kids after these movies) if you don't want your DNA to be passed down and help with the population problem.

They portray depressing and bleak picture of the future everyone dreams of.

Last salute

Interrupting next post to pay homage to Randy Pausch.
He died on July 25th, 2008
I pay my respect to him.He has been a great inspiration to me.I wanted to meet him in person.
(I'm sad.)
We need more people like you.

Many of you must already know him.For the un-initiated, he's the guy who gave the "last lecture"; the wildly-popular and much viewed video on the net.



A book has been released on the same:


"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."
--Randy Pausch

A lot of professors give talks titled "The Last Lecture." Professors are asked to consider their demise and to ruminate on what matters most to them. And while they speak, audiences can't help but mull the same question: What wisdom would we impart to the world if we knew it was our last chance? If we had to vanish tomorrow, what would we want as our legacy?

When Randy Pausch, a computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon, was asked to give such a lecture, he didn't have to imagine it as his last, since he had recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. But the lecture he gave--"Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams"--wasn't about dying. It was about the importance of overcoming obstacles, of enabling the dreams of others, of seizing every moment (because "time is all you have...and you may find one day that you have less than you think"). It was a summation of everything Randy had come to believe. It was about living.

Once more

It's failure for me once more.
I have tasted failure once more
This is my doing.
Still it isn't mine.
I blame myself.
I blame myself.
These things are pulling me down.
How can a star performer in one place fails miserably in another place?
This is very frustrating.
I'm angry,pissed,depressed.
It's one of those days.

Now is a good time for a miracle.
Lord,are you hearing?
Hopelessly waiting for good times.

despo

it actually has a name

I always feel depressed just after having sex.(masturbation is the only kind of sex i've ever had)
This was mild at the beginning,but lately from about 2 months i feel like crying just after orgasm.
The moment is hard to describe.I hit rock-bottom and feel severely depressed and sometimes even cry after ejaculation.

This really started to worry me.
Did some googling and found out that there is actually a condition like that.
It's called post-coital depression and i'm pretty sure i suffer from it.

--sg
not quitting.

I actually wrote this to my (ex) best-friend

now that the H1B saga is over(??), i want to bring few points to your notice.
If you are already aware then it's a refresh.

1.i'm thoroughly dissatisfied with the enthusiasm you showed in finding me a H1 sponsor.Initially you were very indifferent and showed little or no interest till the last moment.
You just kept on giving some excuses.
I will never know if it was deliberate or not.If it was deliberate then, i can't possibly think of a reason.
if it was not deliberate and you were really not able to find any H1 guy, then i expected you to have told me.I at the least expected that much openness.

2.Then you got us sam uncle.
I don't want to begin talking about him.it will definitely be a novel,not a mail.
all i have to say about him is, i wouldn't have recommended him to my friends.
This i'm not telling because of the money matter, but because of the agony I went through for 5-6 months.i just don't care about that money anymore.

summing up:
1.the whole experience has shaken many of my beliefs.
2.I don't think i will ever trust anyone like the way i used to before.
3.I lost trust in my best friend.
4.have become more cynical.


this is rubbish $%!#^%@$&.
--sg
not quitting

You know you are depressed when........

• You write non-sense for others to read(i.e blog)
• read what other losers have written(reading blogs of people who are self-obsessed)
• you try to introspect why you are depressed.(what i'm doing right now)