Are you lucky enough?

I have been meaning to explore this thought of mine for quite sometime.Finally, my friend mentioned the same thing which I have been pondering for quite sometime and this made me post it.

I have been stuck on this problem(software bug) at work like forever(2 months).It's really painful to get stuck and not go anywhere.It was very critical that it was to be solved and there was tremondous pressure on me.Not wanting to give up, more out of ego and less to do with conviction, I pushed on, constantly trying out different methods to solve it.Things seemed to get better before getting worse and it was utterly disappointing.I was completely exhausted and fatigued and showing signs of PTSD(to some extent).I finally got a lucky break and fixed it(I wouldn't be here posting if I hadn't!!)

My friend said something, which I suspect, I had known for long: It's hard work that brings luck.Well in my case, I had to get hopeless and miserable before striking luck.

All along this has been my experience whenever I find myself in similar situations (work or otherwise).Never been lucky in the true sense.

I want to know if others had similar experiences?

OR

Were you lucky enough to be lucky?

In order to attain anything in this world, you first have to relinquish your attachment to it.

I came across a very good story of sorts recently and I wish to put it down here.

There was a group of monks returning to their abode inside the forest.The group comprised of a guru and his followers.It was a rainy season and they came across a river which was flowing very rapid.It was difficult and dangerous to cross.They saw a very pretty woman who was trying to cross but was unable to.Her clothes were wet and it was doing a poor job of concealing her beauty.

One of the disciples offered help and carried her across the river.Other disciples were shocked since it was forbidden to even think about women.Touching was almost criminal.These monks were supposed to be free from any worldly desires and kama.So they kept discussing about the fellow monk's action and when they reached their home, one of them asked the guru about this.

Guru had only one thing to say,"He carried her only across the river.But you are still carrying her."

Wow!!

Personal update:
I hate this since I don't want to bore people with my shit.But sometimes, it's just too much.
Working my ass off and hardly have time to spare.
Some things are not working out as expected.
Generally sad and hating every moment of it.

Emotion is a bitch

"I tried so hard and got so far,in the end it doesn't even matter.... "

I'm convinced that emotion if not a disease, at least is a metal disorder of some kind.Has nobody found a cure yet?At least recognise it as a disorder please.

I've been very busy lately and have very little 'me' time.It's been a crazy ride and doesn't look like it will end any time soon.

One more defeat and disappointment in my on-going attempt and I'm getting to a point of not feeling anything any more.

Apart from this one aspect of life,things have actually bettered and I have been less grateful to God for it.Maybe it's because I'm not getting what I want even though what I'm getting is not that bad.

I hate failures and set very high criteria for success.So whenever there is a set back,it always reminds me of my first 'real' failure.

It was a girl whom I loved and I lost her forever.Maybe someday I can find enough courage to blog about that.Whenever there is a failed attempt at something,it always reminds me of that one thing and keeps me sad for days.

photo.

Presently, I'm sure I wouldn't have loved her as much as I do now if she were with me and I'm starting to suspect it was just an attraction.First love still is special and the pain factor remains.

Problem is now I don't know why I have to be sad and I'm laughing at my stupidity.I'm beginning to believe that God has programmed us to be miserable.We always manage to find some reason to be unhappy.

photo

Emotion is a bitch.
--despo

"Power of friends. (part 2)"

have decided not to post the actual transcript of the conversation that went on between my friend and me.
Felt too personal.

Mood:not happy.

Let's agree on something.

Ever since I started to think about what this life is all about,it has been a very confused existence.

I wish I had blindly followed some mad man/men or their religion which wants me to just unconditionally believe in (it's) higher authority.I would have even settled for having the confidence with which this chick begs people that for god's sake don't be taken for a ride.

I have read and continue to read many books on spirituality,evolution,science etc in my quest.I'm proud to say that I have found an answer.And the answer is there is gonna be none anytime sooner or for that matter later.I'm relieved to arrive to this.I hope others realize this too.

I've read men of science passionately defending their beliefs(I specifically call them beliefs and not as theories.) with "facts" and find them wanting.You see, these facts are based on some assumptions which are generally "assumed" as "true".Somebody please try convincing Neo (guys I'm talking about Matrix) that the air he is breathing is just a sensory input to his brain.Huh.He just chose to believe or rather his curiosity led him to take the road less traveled and he was able to discover the "truth".Was it the truth or did he enter the actual matrix from the real world!! Every day something new is being discovered,some so-called radical,obnoxious idea is becoming less unbearable.Science is evolving.Our understanding of how universe functions is changing.Even to this day we know very little of human body.What should make us think that we will know it all.It's just a matter of time, kid.Well it's not.

More over, I'm reluctant to believe that life on this planet was an accident.That water occupies most of the earth's surface which made life possible is just an accident.Just see how a child grows up to be if you tell him that his conception was an accident in the back seat of a car.Somebody explain me the logic of sexual reproduction and how that it is a logical step in the evolution.Wasn't asexual multiplication good enough? The evolution story is just an attempt of the logical man to explain life as we see it.

Religion/God/Supernatural is another poor and earlier attempt by man to explain life as we see it.God is a wonderful and comforting concept which puts to rest many disturbing questions we have about ourselves.This holds good only if you believe blindly in supernatural as men of logic believe in science.I can't bring myself to completely embrace god because he represents the unknown,the big void I see when I look up into the sky.I have got many questions for him but he is nowhere to be found.I find some comfort in spirituality because it wants me to be a seeker and don't like religion since it asks me to be a believer.

When there is no challenging of existing beliefs, there is no seeking.Without that there is no scope to extend the reaches of our understanding.

I have read some science fellas trying to narrate the supernatural in the language of science(Heisenberg uncertainty principle,quantum physics,god particle etc).I'm happy that they have an open mind.I love spirituality since it begs of me to keep an open mind and keeps me happy.

In this context, death is very interesting phase of life, since it is promising to answer many questions.

Till then, I'm a man who proudly claims that the only thing which he's certain about is that he's not.
Agree that we're ignorant.It's a wonderful feeling.I promise.

why do we do what we do?

For the past four years I have been pursuing a dream.A dream that is so close to my heart that I wish not to disclose it (even)here;even in the cover of anonymity.All I have to say is that it has nothing to do with the matters of heart.

I have been oscillating through a wide range of emotions during this pursuit of mine.It has brought me much pain,despair, made me lose faith, got me depressed.........
It has also helped me in discovering myself, given me energy,hope, faith etc.It has been of a dual nature bringing me sadness and happiness all at the same time.

I became a social recluse refusing to interact with the outside world except for when it was absolutely necessary. I have just retreated into a shell.To sum it up, it has cost me substantial amount of my time and energy.

Now even though I don't have the obsession that I had in the beginning, the fire is still there burning as before.I have kept trying hard to make my dream real.On the way, I have lost patience and gave up many times.I have writhed in pain and despair and given up one day, only to pick up where I left off the next day.Even in the face of utter despair I have refused to give up.Some times I feel like a crazy man who is trying to break a stone wall with bare hands.I have visuals of myself doing that.(that's not me in the pic)

Yet I continue.

This has made me think why I haven't give up (yet).What is that inside me that has made me behave in this way. I have thought about it a lot.I would love to say that it is in my nature to not give up.I'm someone who doesn't stop no matter what.


I would love to say all that.But I would be lying.Though ego hurts, I have given up numerous times.But this one is making me more miserable than anything else I have experienced and still I' refuse to let it go.At first it was an ego thing but now I'm beginning to doubt the extent of my ego.

"A man's desire should never become his weakness" --(a rare original from your's truly.)

I think I have finally found the reason for my stubbornness.It is something very silly.I don't give up because I don't have anything else to do.I can't sit idle.As long as I can I might as well do something.This might as well be it.I need something to push me so that I can (try) push it back.With every passing moment I feel I'm losing a part of myself in this pursuit and yet ,I push on.I have nothing other that to offer.I'm starting to feel more like a machine programmed to accomplish certain task which has no emotional attachment with or any incentive to take from the outcome of the task

It's like a terminator who has no use once his mission is over.Immaterial of the outcome of the mission, once it's over he has no reason to exist.


Only difference is I want to exist (I'm not suicidal!!) and I can't exist without a reason and I'm finding a reason.

It is my attempt at finding "method to madness".

Has anyone felt the same way?

NEXT POST: too(two) depressing(a.k.a ...) - ep1

L-word

[Jenny]"Why are you so good to me?"
[Forrest]"You are my girl."

Such a simple answer.Such a difficult answer.

This is one of those "aha" moments I had.This got me thinking about the l-word.The kind of love that we see in movies and books;pure,ideal,unconditional.This question keeps popping up in my mind again and again.Does this exist?The more I think the more I'm convinced that it doesn't.

Of course Tom Hanks gets it in the movie, but that's a movie.In real life jenny would have ODed and died from drugs or gone off and screwed some rich fat guy.Heck, in real life, there is no forrest gumps around.

I can't find them in movies too.The fat guy lands the fly girl, only after thinning down and breaking up her marriage with the anti-hero.There are girly versions of the same story around too.Why can't fat chick walk off with the stud.Ok ok atleast in fantasy(a.k.a movies).

I know why.It's because that would never be called fantasy.It will become a freak show.Fantasy itself is biased in order to be called a fantasy.
It's not about fat/thin pairing i'm talking here.It's about ideal love.It's just in movies.
These days talking about the l-word makes me feel like vomiting my guts out.Unfortunately, I'm being dragged into the discussion by people around me due to some reason or other.

Let's face it.There is nothing called love.It's pure biology with some chemistry thrown in.Nature's way of keeping species alive.Why are we attracted only to the beautiful ones?Well, baby that's natural selection;Darwin in action.

"Boo-hoo you are an ass", you may say."My parents love me."
Well, it's the closest you can get to defining love.But then again, I say it's not pure love altogether.It's a form of possessive love, which comes due to the fact that they see you as an extension of themselves.Darwin would have said, it's a trick, again played by nature to protect the fresh(as in young) genes.Hence parents have that urge to sacrifice for the welfare of their offspring.It's in the DNA silly.

"Naa na na Naa na. You're wrong again.God loves me", you say.Well, I'm not an atheist.I haven't completely bought out the big bang theory yet.Still I question his existence.At best I can say I'm in the process of finding HIM.And when I do, for all of our sakes, i will sure pop this question to him.


Call me a pessimist,I don't care.I say I'm an idealist.(Too much of Ayn Rand-ism in acti0n here.)
We are scared of asking tough questions.We are scared of truth.Truth is rotten and we are afraid of catching the smell if we ever discover it.

Till then we have all the peter parkers and MJ's keeping us company and keeping the stench out.
Why do you think all the great love stories are tragedies?Because if someone ever dared to live happily ever after, then there wouldn't be a happily ever-after.There would only be nasty divorces and what not.

L-word eludes me.

Live in the moment.

Here is a saying which has been overdone these days: "Live your life in the moment".I came across a nice take on this saying,which gives it a different and beautiful dimension altogether.

People across the spectrum have had their share of people, familial or romantic ones,good and bad ones,bitter and worse ones, which have left us question the very basics of human bonding and relationships.Are they good or bad?Is they even worth the pain?DO I deserve it?
The problem can be that the person is bad.But most of the times we are reluctant to realize or to concede that some error is on our part also.By agreeing, it hurts us where it matters the most:pride;and we are too proud of ourselves.

Learning to "Live in the moment" will enable us to avoid the pain and suffering.
By that I mean, we have to learn to look at the person "in the moment".
When you look at someone in the moment,you are totally in the present.There is no past or future.There are no pains of the past, or expectations of future, from this person.Then we begin to appreciate the person for what he is and there is a "wow" every single time you see him.Every look brings in a "wow", a rush of joy,that beautiful feeling which we all long for, but which no longer exists.
That "wow" which we saw in him/her when we first laid eyes on that person;
that "wow" we felt at during the many,many first moments enjoyed in their company;
that "wow" which depressingly eludes us needs to be discovered which is possible only by learning to "Live in the moment".
Be "wow"ed every time you see the person.Be "wow"ed by seeing the GOD in them.Just be "wow"ed.
Disclaimer:"This holds true not only for romantic,but also for all kinds of relationships.Please don't try this on weirdos,serial killers,psychos.........(you know the drill)Your safety is in your hands and it matters."

There's another meaning to the "Live in the moment" mantra.
To live in the moment also means to see in the moment.
We, on the basis of our culture,background,education,etc etc, have developed a vision which is a biased interpretation of reality,of our pure sight.We continue to see the world around us through this narrow sight.Whatever we see,what all we see, is only through this narrow vision and seeing more will not help.It's the way we see,perceive stuff that should change; and not what we see.
There are two types of distorted vision here:the invisible vision and the logical vision.

Invisible vision(more suitably un-visible vision) means seeing that which is not there.It means we are in a reality, rather in an illusion built by us, and we presume it to be real.In essence we see that which is not there.It's a lie which we have built around us and we are not even aware of it and all our cognition is based on that lie.

Logical vision is the more dangerous of the two.I would like to call the educated vision.In this, we see things and analyze them logically, based on our "wisdom".Most of us ,the so called"educated" people are prone to this hazard.The problem with logic is logic.What is logic?Logic is a build up of arguments,principles,inferences starting with a idea/assumption.If the foundation is wrong, logic simply becomes an extension of our own ego/self.

If invisible vision is matrix,logical vision is a matrix inside the matrix inside the matrix.......

To live in the moment is not to live lives aimless, promiscuously, and careless.It is to live now.To be alive NOW.That's the real meaning.NOW,right now.

"Wisdom should not be confused with theoretical learning or correct beliefs, for ignorance is not intellectual error. It is spiritual blindness."
--this beautiful quote is shamelessly lifted from here

Once more

It's failure for me once more.
I have tasted failure once more
This is my doing.
Still it isn't mine.
I blame myself.
I blame myself.
These things are pulling me down.
How can a star performer in one place fails miserably in another place?
This is very frustrating.
I'm angry,pissed,depressed.
It's one of those days.

Now is a good time for a miracle.
Lord,are you hearing?
Hopelessly waiting for good times.

despo

This is what happens when you overdo "commenting"

(can't decide on the title of this post.)
I started out to comment on this post and (as they say) one thing led to another(pun intended) and I ended up writing much more than a comment.Life is funny and indeterministic.

Here it is:

There is always certain stages which happens in spiritual growth.


1.belief in god because of upbringing.(innocence)
2.hate and anger in god bcoz of failures and frustrations.(loss of innocence)
3.disbelief as a lifestyle statement, a fad.(teen years)
4.then life happens.One can't possibly explain things happening around by just logic and science.(life crisis.)
5.beginning to believe in existence of supernatural force yet not fully convinced.(awakening/initiation)
6.acknowledge there is something out there and want to discover that something(GOD?).GODDD this is difficult.Many don't find it in them to proceed further and/or abandon mid-way.(The road seldom travelled.)
7.Discover god.
(realization/bliss/heaven/orgasm/death/love??/peace......)

mother(Teresa) was in stage 6 probably and couldn't realize the next level.Her writings signify the pain and suffering in step 6.We'll never know if she went into step 7.

It(step 6) is a very long and frustrating phase.Patience doesn't help here.Patience is an understatement.Only blind faith can/will do.

In today's world we see things we can't believe and hence believing something which we can't see and feel,is like going against everything we have been programmed not to do.There is this crippling fear of (what i would like to call) 'getting conned'.

Faith is difficult and blind faith is pure agony if tried without a heavy dose of,well...blind faith.

But faith is powerful.Faith makes unreal things real.

Long before,when I started to question idol worship, and confided that in a spiritual guru,this is what he had to say.
"Do you think god exists in those idols?I don't think so",he said.I didn't get it. His viewpoint which he subsequently explained: It's the people, who, with their faith make something as trivial as a piece of stone,a picture,a person into something which it's not:-larger than life.It's their power of worship which puts power back into the idol.That time it didn't have much effect on me.But looking back,I now really believe it.If it works for someone,then why not believe it?


Modern world says it's placebo effect,it's the mind over matter.Blah blah blah......whatever.I know it by a different name.I call it faith.I call it miracle.I call it GOD.I call it love.
What's in a name?

"faith prevails when hope dies."
(not an original.)

Enemy:Hell,it's too good to be (just) a comment.I'm putting this up in my blog.

We are all hypocrites

Nowadays,I seem to getting random thoughts just like that without any effort.It must be due to my voracious reading coupled with my subconscious mind which seems to be running ahead of my conscious self.These thoughts, which I wish to call as self-realization are manifesting by themselves, without any effort by my self.

Suddenly it hit me one day that we all are hypocrites.I'm a hypocrite.
As a child I remember being obsessively passionate about things I set my sights on.I used to cry,fight,hit,plead and do whatever it took to convince or force my parents into getting them to buy stuff or do things I wanted.Whenever my persuasions failed,I used to hate them.I cried,didn't talk to them for days.I tried my best to frustrate them for what I used to call deception done by them.

Look at me now.I deceive myself everyday.I see stuff.I like it and I happily settle to the fact that I can't get it.I see fit people and promise myself to get fit and forget it the next moment.I say to myself every morning, that it'll be a good day and fail miserably every single day.Still after all these I don't carry any grudge against my self and certainly don't treat myself as I treated my parents.Who am I kidding?


I'm expecting less from myself than I expect from others and I don't seem to be too much concerned.I expect more from my parents,friends,employer,God.I have conveniently missed the most important name on the list.Myself.This realization hit me hard.
I desperately need to find it in my self to demand better off me.I can't settle for anything less.A famous saying goes,"You must be the change you want to see in the world".
I hope it's not just wishful thinking.

One needs to get out of their own skins and see themselves as a separate person and judge themselves as one judges others.

what is happening to me?

The events of past two weeks has got me into seriously thinking about an aspect of mine.
(Somewhere inside I knew this was coming)

In chronological order.(Newer to older)

• I get a call from my best best best best friend's home that he has been admitted to hospital.He was sick all the weekend.Today it got worse.They say if not treated in time,the infection in his throat would have choked his windpipe.I go to the hospital.Help out his parents with many things.See my friend.Don't know what to say.I come back


• A colleague of mine calls and says his wife almost died of asthma attack.He is close to me.I visit him.I notice he's in pain.I mutter some shit to lift him up.I leave.


• My (former?)best friend calls up one day.He says his grand-mother passed away two days back.He's going back.(He works overseas and had come down few days back to visit his terminally ill granny).I say ok and wish him peace.His granny was the one who raised him after his mom died and dad disowned him.His granny is the only immediate family he had.Though I had told bitter things to him a few days before,we are still on talking terms and are very much friends,if not best friends.I know he is completely shattered and didn't have the strength to face me.He would have broken down and cried the moment he saw me.Maybe that's why he communicated on phone.Now he's gone far away and he's all alone.

Throughout these events,one thing happened which is beginning to scare me.
Nothing seems to shake me.I'm not sad,not worried.I'm calm,composed and clear headed.Though none of this directly affects me,it affected people I love deeply and I should be worried too being a sensitive person I think I am.
But I'm not.I was into spirituality/philosophy stuff from lot of days.Off late, I'm beginning to understand and really able to adapt such things into my life.I'm able to go through various events happening around me from a third person's view (and enjoy sadistically sometimes),rather than first person's perspective.

But I seem to be in a dilemma.
Nothing and absolutely nothing is bothering me.
Am I becoming strong or am I turning into a stone?
Am I becoming mad or content?
Am I attaining spiritual bliss or turning into emotionally challenged?

And quite interestingly all these things are not concerning or worrying me.
It's just my observation of myself.My face is turning into a one-expression wonder.



--despo