Emotion is a bitch

"I tried so hard and got so far,in the end it doesn't even matter.... "

I'm convinced that emotion if not a disease, at least is a metal disorder of some kind.Has nobody found a cure yet?At least recognise it as a disorder please.

I've been very busy lately and have very little 'me' time.It's been a crazy ride and doesn't look like it will end any time soon.

One more defeat and disappointment in my on-going attempt and I'm getting to a point of not feeling anything any more.

Apart from this one aspect of life,things have actually bettered and I have been less grateful to God for it.Maybe it's because I'm not getting what I want even though what I'm getting is not that bad.

I hate failures and set very high criteria for success.So whenever there is a set back,it always reminds me of my first 'real' failure.

It was a girl whom I loved and I lost her forever.Maybe someday I can find enough courage to blog about that.Whenever there is a failed attempt at something,it always reminds me of that one thing and keeps me sad for days.

photo.

Presently, I'm sure I wouldn't have loved her as much as I do now if she were with me and I'm starting to suspect it was just an attraction.First love still is special and the pain factor remains.

Problem is now I don't know why I have to be sad and I'm laughing at my stupidity.I'm beginning to believe that God has programmed us to be miserable.We always manage to find some reason to be unhappy.

photo

Emotion is a bitch.
--despo

Art in motion

Art is an unsolved aspect of human psyche.
It reveals itself in bits which only adds to it's mystery.
Nobody knows why it is.Artists are a peculiar group who seldom care about anything else more than their trade.
I envy them for that.They behave as if they have found all the answers and got nothing to ask from anyone when they are involved in their art.
I passionately envy those whose art arises out of misery and pain around them.
It helps them forget the world around while creating something beautiful.
Power to create something is the single most hateful thing I have against them.
Only god and nature apart from artists share this unique ability.
God himself must be one sick artist.Art arises out of a damaged brain or out of pain.Sane people are rarely gifted.I'm not using sanity in it's usual meaning but in a much wonderful and subtle way.In fact so wonderful that there must be something really wrong with it!
You see perfection is in fact a flaw.
Damaged goods is not an adjective that can be easily acquired.
Also I do believe that anything can be achieved if you really want it.
Still artists are a class apart and I think that god differentiates between men of art and rest of us by being favorable to the former.
I don't know how and I don't know why.


Below is an original and first attempt at poetry by yours truly:

Have promises to keep.
Only,then can I sleep.

Made are vows to myself
Never to see thy's weaker self.

Get long way to go.
Before I can slow.

Till then I find solace in pain
fighting for a chance to gain.

I keep going my way.
With nothing to say,
got no time to pray.

I struggle and wither,
to see myself in mirror,
as I used to before.


Parting words: If you can understand one person completely, you have known god then.

Let's agree on something.

Ever since I started to think about what this life is all about,it has been a very confused existence.

I wish I had blindly followed some mad man/men or their religion which wants me to just unconditionally believe in (it's) higher authority.I would have even settled for having the confidence with which this chick begs people that for god's sake don't be taken for a ride.

I have read and continue to read many books on spirituality,evolution,science etc in my quest.I'm proud to say that I have found an answer.And the answer is there is gonna be none anytime sooner or for that matter later.I'm relieved to arrive to this.I hope others realize this too.

I've read men of science passionately defending their beliefs(I specifically call them beliefs and not as theories.) with "facts" and find them wanting.You see, these facts are based on some assumptions which are generally "assumed" as "true".Somebody please try convincing Neo (guys I'm talking about Matrix) that the air he is breathing is just a sensory input to his brain.Huh.He just chose to believe or rather his curiosity led him to take the road less traveled and he was able to discover the "truth".Was it the truth or did he enter the actual matrix from the real world!! Every day something new is being discovered,some so-called radical,obnoxious idea is becoming less unbearable.Science is evolving.Our understanding of how universe functions is changing.Even to this day we know very little of human body.What should make us think that we will know it all.It's just a matter of time, kid.Well it's not.

More over, I'm reluctant to believe that life on this planet was an accident.That water occupies most of the earth's surface which made life possible is just an accident.Just see how a child grows up to be if you tell him that his conception was an accident in the back seat of a car.Somebody explain me the logic of sexual reproduction and how that it is a logical step in the evolution.Wasn't asexual multiplication good enough? The evolution story is just an attempt of the logical man to explain life as we see it.

Religion/God/Supernatural is another poor and earlier attempt by man to explain life as we see it.God is a wonderful and comforting concept which puts to rest many disturbing questions we have about ourselves.This holds good only if you believe blindly in supernatural as men of logic believe in science.I can't bring myself to completely embrace god because he represents the unknown,the big void I see when I look up into the sky.I have got many questions for him but he is nowhere to be found.I find some comfort in spirituality because it wants me to be a seeker and don't like religion since it asks me to be a believer.

When there is no challenging of existing beliefs, there is no seeking.Without that there is no scope to extend the reaches of our understanding.

I have read some science fellas trying to narrate the supernatural in the language of science(Heisenberg uncertainty principle,quantum physics,god particle etc).I'm happy that they have an open mind.I love spirituality since it begs of me to keep an open mind and keeps me happy.

In this context, death is very interesting phase of life, since it is promising to answer many questions.

Till then, I'm a man who proudly claims that the only thing which he's certain about is that he's not.
Agree that we're ignorant.It's a wonderful feeling.I promise.

This is what happens when you overdo "commenting"

(can't decide on the title of this post.)
I started out to comment on this post and (as they say) one thing led to another(pun intended) and I ended up writing much more than a comment.Life is funny and indeterministic.

Here it is:

There is always certain stages which happens in spiritual growth.


1.belief in god because of upbringing.(innocence)
2.hate and anger in god bcoz of failures and frustrations.(loss of innocence)
3.disbelief as a lifestyle statement, a fad.(teen years)
4.then life happens.One can't possibly explain things happening around by just logic and science.(life crisis.)
5.beginning to believe in existence of supernatural force yet not fully convinced.(awakening/initiation)
6.acknowledge there is something out there and want to discover that something(GOD?).GODDD this is difficult.Many don't find it in them to proceed further and/or abandon mid-way.(The road seldom travelled.)
7.Discover god.
(realization/bliss/heaven/orgasm/death/love??/peace......)

mother(Teresa) was in stage 6 probably and couldn't realize the next level.Her writings signify the pain and suffering in step 6.We'll never know if she went into step 7.

It(step 6) is a very long and frustrating phase.Patience doesn't help here.Patience is an understatement.Only blind faith can/will do.

In today's world we see things we can't believe and hence believing something which we can't see and feel,is like going against everything we have been programmed not to do.There is this crippling fear of (what i would like to call) 'getting conned'.

Faith is difficult and blind faith is pure agony if tried without a heavy dose of,well...blind faith.

But faith is powerful.Faith makes unreal things real.

Long before,when I started to question idol worship, and confided that in a spiritual guru,this is what he had to say.
"Do you think god exists in those idols?I don't think so",he said.I didn't get it. His viewpoint which he subsequently explained: It's the people, who, with their faith make something as trivial as a piece of stone,a picture,a person into something which it's not:-larger than life.It's their power of worship which puts power back into the idol.That time it didn't have much effect on me.But looking back,I now really believe it.If it works for someone,then why not believe it?


Modern world says it's placebo effect,it's the mind over matter.Blah blah blah......whatever.I know it by a different name.I call it faith.I call it miracle.I call it GOD.I call it love.
What's in a name?

"faith prevails when hope dies."
(not an original.)

Enemy:Hell,it's too good to be (just) a comment.I'm putting this up in my blog.

So true

This is so true.(atleast for me;altough I've never been to therapy.)
Also I understood myself more when I knew:
--I loved her.
--I couldn't tell her.
--I can never have her.
--I cried for her.
--she got married.
--I couldn't stop loving her.
--She will never know that.
--I couldn't love anyone like I love her.
--I hate myself for this.
--I couldn't kill myself even when I wanted to.
--I hate GOD.
--I love GOD.
--I couldn't tell anyone about this.

--despo

The picture

I recently found this pic on flickr.
I have decided to use it as the logo in my profile.

This picture is just so special to me.It signifies unity,oneness.The couple in the picture signifies(for me) coming together of two people, leaving apart their differences,prejudice,insecurities,apprehensions,egos and becoming one.
This is the first step towards realizing HIM.
When two bodies intertwine together and it's impossible to say which one is which;when their souls converge and lose their individuality and experience singularity,that's the first step towards salvation.
For me sex is spiritual,it's divine,it's sacred.
That's the closest a human can get to another.When you love someone,you love the god inside that person.Loving the GOD inside that person is acknowledging of the fact that HE exists everywhere;which says every soul is an extension of your self and that everyone is an extension of HIS self.

This is a very powerful belief which we have in us, even without actually being aware of that.Anyone and everyone who loves someone is automatically acknowledging GOD's existence.Hence there are no atheists as such as for as my thoughts go.

A great sage once said "Spirituality begins where religion ends" and this is very true.Many religions actually consider lust,carnal urges as sin.But for me it's just the soul's attempt to search for god.
Many of us fail to understand this and limit ourselves to bodily pleasures ,failing to understand the significance of sex.
It's the beginning of discovering god.Many are not ready and fail to recognize this and we see relationships failing.






I don't know what kind of girl awaits me in future.But I'm ready for her.

Also i will continue to use the pic as long as I can't find a better one.
(I couldn't find the owner of the pic.Hence whatever license the owner intended it to distribute under,it still applies here.)
--desparado.