Power of friends. (part 1)

I have a friend who is very close to me.We have been friends for almost 11 years now and are practically brothers.I'm trying to set a context for what follows next.So bear with my nonsense.

In 2006,we took a trip to las vegas on the 4th of the July weekend.For some reason and personal egos, we fought like animals and the whole trip was one big mess.Fortunately, after returning we both had the sense to drop the matter and move on.We never discussed further on what went wrong and instead chose to just ignore it as if it never happened.

Now I don't want to analyze as to who was guilty since I now believe that the reason for fight was so trivial that there should not have been one in the first place.

Now, life has taken both of us to different places and we meet once in a year or two.We are still close through internet.One night it just stuck me that things shouldn't have turned out the way it is.I don't know how long or if ever we can steal time from this busy life to spend some time together.So I just mailed him the regret and pain I felt since I couldn't bring myself to call him and tell him.He was online and responded and we had a nice chat where we cleared out lot of things.I feel close to my friend again.



Here goes....



(this poem is dedicated to my friend)
Even though we were mad @ each other,my friend helped me that day by just being there and without he himself knowing.

Never forget that your mere presence can inspire someone.

It took me around two years to thank him for this.
I hope it's not too late in your case too.

The reason I post this is:

I want to remind myself the damages which ego can cause.

It's never late to accept mistakes.Though it might be too late to correct it,the mere act of accepting it (even if only to yourself) will make you a better person.

I just want to be a better person.

I hope somebody else will realize from my experience.


Next post:The actual mail and chat transcript that led to this post.All the dirty details.!!

why do we do what we do?

For the past four years I have been pursuing a dream.A dream that is so close to my heart that I wish not to disclose it (even)here;even in the cover of anonymity.All I have to say is that it has nothing to do with the matters of heart.

I have been oscillating through a wide range of emotions during this pursuit of mine.It has brought me much pain,despair, made me lose faith, got me depressed.........
It has also helped me in discovering myself, given me energy,hope, faith etc.It has been of a dual nature bringing me sadness and happiness all at the same time.

I became a social recluse refusing to interact with the outside world except for when it was absolutely necessary. I have just retreated into a shell.To sum it up, it has cost me substantial amount of my time and energy.

Now even though I don't have the obsession that I had in the beginning, the fire is still there burning as before.I have kept trying hard to make my dream real.On the way, I have lost patience and gave up many times.I have writhed in pain and despair and given up one day, only to pick up where I left off the next day.Even in the face of utter despair I have refused to give up.Some times I feel like a crazy man who is trying to break a stone wall with bare hands.I have visuals of myself doing that.(that's not me in the pic)

Yet I continue.

This has made me think why I haven't give up (yet).What is that inside me that has made me behave in this way. I have thought about it a lot.I would love to say that it is in my nature to not give up.I'm someone who doesn't stop no matter what.


I would love to say all that.But I would be lying.Though ego hurts, I have given up numerous times.But this one is making me more miserable than anything else I have experienced and still I' refuse to let it go.At first it was an ego thing but now I'm beginning to doubt the extent of my ego.

"A man's desire should never become his weakness" --(a rare original from your's truly.)

I think I have finally found the reason for my stubbornness.It is something very silly.I don't give up because I don't have anything else to do.I can't sit idle.As long as I can I might as well do something.This might as well be it.I need something to push me so that I can (try) push it back.With every passing moment I feel I'm losing a part of myself in this pursuit and yet ,I push on.I have nothing other that to offer.I'm starting to feel more like a machine programmed to accomplish certain task which has no emotional attachment with or any incentive to take from the outcome of the task

It's like a terminator who has no use once his mission is over.Immaterial of the outcome of the mission, once it's over he has no reason to exist.


Only difference is I want to exist (I'm not suicidal!!) and I can't exist without a reason and I'm finding a reason.

It is my attempt at finding "method to madness".

Has anyone felt the same way?

NEXT POST: too(two) depressing(a.k.a ...) - ep1

L-word

[Jenny]"Why are you so good to me?"
[Forrest]"You are my girl."

Such a simple answer.Such a difficult answer.

This is one of those "aha" moments I had.This got me thinking about the l-word.The kind of love that we see in movies and books;pure,ideal,unconditional.This question keeps popping up in my mind again and again.Does this exist?The more I think the more I'm convinced that it doesn't.

Of course Tom Hanks gets it in the movie, but that's a movie.In real life jenny would have ODed and died from drugs or gone off and screwed some rich fat guy.Heck, in real life, there is no forrest gumps around.

I can't find them in movies too.The fat guy lands the fly girl, only after thinning down and breaking up her marriage with the anti-hero.There are girly versions of the same story around too.Why can't fat chick walk off with the stud.Ok ok atleast in fantasy(a.k.a movies).

I know why.It's because that would never be called fantasy.It will become a freak show.Fantasy itself is biased in order to be called a fantasy.
It's not about fat/thin pairing i'm talking here.It's about ideal love.It's just in movies.
These days talking about the l-word makes me feel like vomiting my guts out.Unfortunately, I'm being dragged into the discussion by people around me due to some reason or other.

Let's face it.There is nothing called love.It's pure biology with some chemistry thrown in.Nature's way of keeping species alive.Why are we attracted only to the beautiful ones?Well, baby that's natural selection;Darwin in action.

"Boo-hoo you are an ass", you may say."My parents love me."
Well, it's the closest you can get to defining love.But then again, I say it's not pure love altogether.It's a form of possessive love, which comes due to the fact that they see you as an extension of themselves.Darwin would have said, it's a trick, again played by nature to protect the fresh(as in young) genes.Hence parents have that urge to sacrifice for the welfare of their offspring.It's in the DNA silly.

"Naa na na Naa na. You're wrong again.God loves me", you say.Well, I'm not an atheist.I haven't completely bought out the big bang theory yet.Still I question his existence.At best I can say I'm in the process of finding HIM.And when I do, for all of our sakes, i will sure pop this question to him.


Call me a pessimist,I don't care.I say I'm an idealist.(Too much of Ayn Rand-ism in acti0n here.)
We are scared of asking tough questions.We are scared of truth.Truth is rotten and we are afraid of catching the smell if we ever discover it.

Till then we have all the peter parkers and MJ's keeping us company and keeping the stench out.
Why do you think all the great love stories are tragedies?Because if someone ever dared to live happily ever after, then there wouldn't be a happily ever-after.There would only be nasty divorces and what not.

L-word eludes me.

Live in the moment.

Here is a saying which has been overdone these days: "Live your life in the moment".I came across a nice take on this saying,which gives it a different and beautiful dimension altogether.

People across the spectrum have had their share of people, familial or romantic ones,good and bad ones,bitter and worse ones, which have left us question the very basics of human bonding and relationships.Are they good or bad?Is they even worth the pain?DO I deserve it?
The problem can be that the person is bad.But most of the times we are reluctant to realize or to concede that some error is on our part also.By agreeing, it hurts us where it matters the most:pride;and we are too proud of ourselves.

Learning to "Live in the moment" will enable us to avoid the pain and suffering.
By that I mean, we have to learn to look at the person "in the moment".
When you look at someone in the moment,you are totally in the present.There is no past or future.There are no pains of the past, or expectations of future, from this person.Then we begin to appreciate the person for what he is and there is a "wow" every single time you see him.Every look brings in a "wow", a rush of joy,that beautiful feeling which we all long for, but which no longer exists.
That "wow" which we saw in him/her when we first laid eyes on that person;
that "wow" we felt at during the many,many first moments enjoyed in their company;
that "wow" which depressingly eludes us needs to be discovered which is possible only by learning to "Live in the moment".
Be "wow"ed every time you see the person.Be "wow"ed by seeing the GOD in them.Just be "wow"ed.
Disclaimer:"This holds true not only for romantic,but also for all kinds of relationships.Please don't try this on weirdos,serial killers,psychos.........(you know the drill)Your safety is in your hands and it matters."

There's another meaning to the "Live in the moment" mantra.
To live in the moment also means to see in the moment.
We, on the basis of our culture,background,education,etc etc, have developed a vision which is a biased interpretation of reality,of our pure sight.We continue to see the world around us through this narrow sight.Whatever we see,what all we see, is only through this narrow vision and seeing more will not help.It's the way we see,perceive stuff that should change; and not what we see.
There are two types of distorted vision here:the invisible vision and the logical vision.

Invisible vision(more suitably un-visible vision) means seeing that which is not there.It means we are in a reality, rather in an illusion built by us, and we presume it to be real.In essence we see that which is not there.It's a lie which we have built around us and we are not even aware of it and all our cognition is based on that lie.

Logical vision is the more dangerous of the two.I would like to call the educated vision.In this, we see things and analyze them logically, based on our "wisdom".Most of us ,the so called"educated" people are prone to this hazard.The problem with logic is logic.What is logic?Logic is a build up of arguments,principles,inferences starting with a idea/assumption.If the foundation is wrong, logic simply becomes an extension of our own ego/self.

If invisible vision is matrix,logical vision is a matrix inside the matrix inside the matrix.......

To live in the moment is not to live lives aimless, promiscuously, and careless.It is to live now.To be alive NOW.That's the real meaning.NOW,right now.

"Wisdom should not be confused with theoretical learning or correct beliefs, for ignorance is not intellectual error. It is spiritual blindness."
--this beautiful quote is shamelessly lifted from here

Smashaana Vairagya

I'm very much interested in Hindu philosophy and Vedas and make it a point to absorb some whenever I can.
This post is on one such topic.
Smashaana vairaagya, when loosely translated reads as graveyardly detachment.I don't even know whether graveyard can be used as adjective.

It refers to the kind of detachment where in, the mind behaves as that of one found in the dead,a.k.a it's dead.The mind lives in a different reality which has got nothing to do with the world in which the body resides.This word is also used to mock some persons, who attain or behave to have attained a spiritual awakening overnight and act as if they are the embodiment of spirituality.In reality this is nothing close to being spiritual and most of them don't stay there for long.

Human beings are programmed to be full of desire and there is nothing wrong in wanting something.The problem doesn't lie there.In fact everyone should give in to their desires and devote their energies in fulfilling them.

This may sound gibberish,but let me explain.There are two kinds of desires.The first one is "the desire to become" and the other one is "the desire to do".The problem lies when somebody desires to become something.
There is a desire to do something and you do it and you become happy.This is natural and perfectly fine.Then, there is a desire to become.In order to become something(happy),we do something and this is where the source of all the pain and suffering lies.

I do something.I will become something.
I will earn money.I will become happy(rich)
I will write a good post.I will become happy(traffic)
I will look good.I will become happy(attract people)
I will hurt him.I will become happy.
I will work hard.I will become happy.(promotion/raise)

These are all fools' recipes for disaster.
Action and desire should be separated in order to find true happiness.
Do something not to BECOME happy,but do something because you find happiness doing it.

Earn money because the process of earning money makes brings you happiness and not under the assumption that becoming rich will bring you joy.Write a good post because you enjoy writing it.Look good because looking good makes you FEEL good.Work hard because you like your work and not to impress your boss.Hurt others not because you will be happy because of it, but because you are (sadistically)happy while you are hurting others.

Action, in anticipation of something(in return) is bound to cause pain.Action in vacuum is necessary.Many are able to separate their actions from expectations.But this is accompanied by a side-effect(a dangerous side side-effect)
With the loss of expectation, comes the loss of desire to act.Once there is nothing to expect from anything or anyone, there is a loss of of an important ingredient that drives life:desire.

The hindu philosophy calls this state as Smashaana Vairaagya.(or graveyardly detachment.)
Many think they have arrived,they have found their calling,their true self.But mistake not;it is a dangerous state and sooner or later they snap out of it and get back to their old habits as a cured drug addict who gets back to his addiction.Only this time, no one can cure him again.

Hence this kind of detachment should be avoided at any cost.This(Now) is happiness.That(tomorrow) is happiness.Everything is happiness and this is as simple as it gets.

Finally, love someone because you love him/her and you love loving that person;you're happy loving that person.And not because you WILL be happy IF you love.
There is a subtle difference between them and it needs to be discovered.(quickly)

It is supremely difficult to be able to continue being actionable, and still be detached from it's results and expectations.

This is summed up by just one line of bhagavad gita:

"Karmanye Vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana."

"You have a right to perform your prescribed action,but you are not entitled to the fruits of your action.
Never consider yourself the cause of the results of your activities,and never be associated to not doing your duty."
(translation source: "Bhagavadgeetha As It Is by A.C.Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada")

So simple.So relevant.

This is what happens when you overdo "commenting"

(can't decide on the title of this post.)
I started out to comment on this post and (as they say) one thing led to another(pun intended) and I ended up writing much more than a comment.Life is funny and indeterministic.

Here it is:

There is always certain stages which happens in spiritual growth.


1.belief in god because of upbringing.(innocence)
2.hate and anger in god bcoz of failures and frustrations.(loss of innocence)
3.disbelief as a lifestyle statement, a fad.(teen years)
4.then life happens.One can't possibly explain things happening around by just logic and science.(life crisis.)
5.beginning to believe in existence of supernatural force yet not fully convinced.(awakening/initiation)
6.acknowledge there is something out there and want to discover that something(GOD?).GODDD this is difficult.Many don't find it in them to proceed further and/or abandon mid-way.(The road seldom travelled.)
7.Discover god.
(realization/bliss/heaven/orgasm/death/love??/peace......)

mother(Teresa) was in stage 6 probably and couldn't realize the next level.Her writings signify the pain and suffering in step 6.We'll never know if she went into step 7.

It(step 6) is a very long and frustrating phase.Patience doesn't help here.Patience is an understatement.Only blind faith can/will do.

In today's world we see things we can't believe and hence believing something which we can't see and feel,is like going against everything we have been programmed not to do.There is this crippling fear of (what i would like to call) 'getting conned'.

Faith is difficult and blind faith is pure agony if tried without a heavy dose of,well...blind faith.

But faith is powerful.Faith makes unreal things real.

Long before,when I started to question idol worship, and confided that in a spiritual guru,this is what he had to say.
"Do you think god exists in those idols?I don't think so",he said.I didn't get it. His viewpoint which he subsequently explained: It's the people, who, with their faith make something as trivial as a piece of stone,a picture,a person into something which it's not:-larger than life.It's their power of worship which puts power back into the idol.That time it didn't have much effect on me.But looking back,I now really believe it.If it works for someone,then why not believe it?


Modern world says it's placebo effect,it's the mind over matter.Blah blah blah......whatever.I know it by a different name.I call it faith.I call it miracle.I call it GOD.I call it love.
What's in a name?

"faith prevails when hope dies."
(not an original.)

Enemy:Hell,it's too good to be (just) a comment.I'm putting this up in my blog.

Do it NOWWWWWWW!!!(KISS #2)

ripped from here.Copyright as intended by the owner.

nice.

Nice mail I got today.

" Little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter, "Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river." The little girl said, "No, Dad. You hold my hand." "What's the difference?" Asked the puzzled father. "There's a big difference," replied the little girl. > "If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go." In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of the person who loves you rather than expecting them to hold yours... This message is too short......but carries a lot of Feelings. "

The importance of GOal

I saw the movie "goal" again for the nth time in a cable rerun.Anyone who is a soccer fan will definitely have seen it.
In short,it's a movie of a aspiring footballer,who (un) surprisingly ,against all odds,succeeds in his lifelong dream of becoming a football player.The movie is well made.The actors play their part.It hits the right chord.
What attracts me to movies like this is that you get to see a lifetime of of emotions packed in to a hour and half timespan.
There were moments which captured my attention,notably,

• The boy,santiago's father.He pretty much personifies those who come along and make us think, that dreaming will take you nowhere.He represents the nay-sayers who we come across everyday in our lives.That being his father puts drama into the film.


• Santiago,representing the fight we all go through(or chose not to) in our lives to get the better out of ourselves.The instant where he says "I'm American" when he is introduced as mexican, potrays well the desire any human soul has for better things in life


• The part where he doesn't go back to america to attend to his dead father's affairs is a powerful moment.He says,he has a reason to tell himself that he failed and he was not responsible for it.It's a easy way out.We all procrastinate and find fancy reasons to justify it.He chooses not to.He says to his coach,"You and only you can tell that i'm not good,but i still may not agree with you"


• The distractions that every sportsman/man goes through when successful(drugs,girls...);the temptations of evil in our path.


• He doesn't get to make peace with his father and he dies.He regrets it.This relates to great ironies of life;;death.say what you have to say.There may be no time;not even to regret.The consolation:his dad sees him play before he dies.

It's a good movie on life.Everyone,even people who don't follow football should see it.Infact all great sport movies are not movies about the sport,but about life.

We need to be like a sponge;just keep absorbing(sucking out) good things out of life when and where we come across.
Just try to be better persons.
A great man once said,"If you are still happy,after looking into the mirror everyday,then it's a life well spent".
Heck,many of us fear the mirror let alone see into it.
The significance of introspection should never be lost out in life.It's the best tool we have been provided with and it alone is sufficient to become everything we are not.

--despo

m o l l y-the beautiful bride.

m o l l y, originally uploaded by jaki good.

With this post and a few more to follow,i'm taking the risk of joining the ranks of what I term as flictch(flickr bitch).
I'm referring to lots of blogs out there which just blog on the images ,giving flickr the free publicity(which they don't need) and page rank(which they deserve).
NO I don't want to be stereo-typed as one of them.
But this photo is totally worth the risk.

Ah,the photo of a beautiful bride(molly i suppose.congrats btw).
I'm happy that i stumbled upon it.
This is the first photo that came my way when i joined flickr and logged in the first time.
The picture is very simple,nothing great;albeit tastefully photographed.
But it's complexity lies in the simplicity.
The girl looks stunning.
She's reaching out,towards a new beginning,eyes filled with hope,joy.
The dress,the flower all are so simple,so innocent,so deep.
She looks happy,A sense of strong feeling,a glow, an aura around her assuring love and nothing but only love can behold her,make her happy for life.
They said,it's not her,it's just the photo.
They are wrong.
It's the people who make the picture.As far the photographer goes,I feel they are the blessed ones,who were fortunate enough to witness in person,the wonders which we only get to see through their eyes.
My prayers for molly.
May god bless you and god bless us all.
Your photo has been a ray of hope to me for a long time to come.

totally my hero

What do you do when you fall down?
Do you get up,pick up the pieces and start walking forward?Or do you just fade away into darkness as countless others have?
What do you do when you fall down?
This is a very powerful question.
More often than not, we take the easy way out.
We blame the next person,the system,the society,the country,parents,spouse,HIM and everybody else except ourselves.
It's only few of us who find it in our hearts,the courage,the spirit to keep on trying,stay on fighting for what we believe in and go down smiling in the face of utter failure.
Today while watching the news,I came across such a man, Devraj and was blown away by his story.
Hats of to his perseverance,spirt,never-say-quit attitude.
Man,you are totally my hero.
Read this article, depicting the struggle he did to get back what was taken away from him.
I'm pasting the same article below:

He studied law, fought case for 10 yrs, won it!

Vicky Nanjappa, Bangalore, DHNS:

Litigation is not only time consuming but expensive too. For this man whose saree manufacturing unit was seized, doing a law course was the only way out. Interestingly he completed his law, battled his own case, and finally won it after a 10-year-long legal battle.

M S Devaraj was running a silk saree manufacturing unit at Doddaballapur since 1978. Another unit next to the one run by Mr Devraj had been financed by the Karnataka State Financing Corporation (KSFC). Since his neighbour turned out to be a defaulter, a case had been filed against him for recovery of the loan amount. On January 2 1988, the KSFC officials seized the unit along with that belonging to Devaraj.

An application was filed before the District Court against the action of the KSFC. The court, however, rejected the application following which it was moved to the High Court. After putting up the fight for three years, he decided that the best recourse would be to do a law course so that he could fight his own case.

In 1991, he joined the SJRC Law College in Bangalore and completed his law degree in 1994. Thereafter, he began drafting the applications and fighting his case before the courts.

The High Court directed the district court to conduct an inquiry with regard to the seizure while observing that the seizure was a “barbarous act”. Following this an inquiry was conducted and the district court on July 15 1997, directed the KSFC to re-deliver the excess moveable within 15 days. The KSFC then filed an unsuccessful appeal before the High Court. Finally on December 2 1998, possession of the machinery was handed over to Devraj.

He filed a case before the Civil Judge Sr Division, Doddaballapur, seeking compensation for the losses he had suffered. The court ordered the KSFC to make good the loss while directing the payment of Rs 43,63,000 as compensation.

That's not the end to his story.
He's giving Rs.10/- lakhs of this to charity and will support education of 50 girls every year.