Aftermath.

I would like to put down on black and white, how I feel so that I can come back and read it when I want to remember this moment.

Here I go:

1.Death of someone close for the first time in my adult life.Though I have memories of other similar incidents, this is the one which I will remember vividly for a long time to come.

2.I don't know whether I'm in pain or not.Maybe I'm shamelessly exploiting myself to get some blog mileage.

3.I fear that I may not feel anything anymore.

Though I was not that close with my granddad during the later years,I have fond childhood memories of him.I just drifted away once I started off with my own life(what a cliché).Still, whenever we met we had meaningful conversations.Somewhere deep down I know that I was his favorite, even though it was never explicitly mentioned.

I have been fighting battles of my own, during all these years and grew apart and away from all people around me;grandpa included.This makes the pain a tad bit more painful.I was told by my folks, just few days before his departure to pay him a visit since the end was expected.I was so consumed by my own problems that I preferred to lay in the comfort of my own misery.Later when it was over, I got the guts to see his face only the day after.I just wanted to run away from all of it.

Still,remembering him, I'm happy that he has left a lot for me learn and cherish from the way he lived his life.I don't want to go down the "my- grandpa-is-the-best" road.I only wish to say that he lived a simple life with simple needs and desires and a great attitude and positive outlook.Maybe we celebrate people better once they die.I don't know.

Though there is a guilt part in me, I very much want to be happy and look forward positively, more than ever;thanks to him.

I actually wanted to post a photo something similar to my last post,but I realize that being unhappy is just not worth it.





Don't waste your time.

Love and only love,
desp

"Power of friends. (part 2)"

have decided not to post the actual transcript of the conversation that went on between my friend and me.
Felt too personal.

Mood:not happy.

Power of friends. (part 1)

I have a friend who is very close to me.We have been friends for almost 11 years now and are practically brothers.I'm trying to set a context for what follows next.So bear with my nonsense.

In 2006,we took a trip to las vegas on the 4th of the July weekend.For some reason and personal egos, we fought like animals and the whole trip was one big mess.Fortunately, after returning we both had the sense to drop the matter and move on.We never discussed further on what went wrong and instead chose to just ignore it as if it never happened.

Now I don't want to analyze as to who was guilty since I now believe that the reason for fight was so trivial that there should not have been one in the first place.

Now, life has taken both of us to different places and we meet once in a year or two.We are still close through internet.One night it just stuck me that things shouldn't have turned out the way it is.I don't know how long or if ever we can steal time from this busy life to spend some time together.So I just mailed him the regret and pain I felt since I couldn't bring myself to call him and tell him.He was online and responded and we had a nice chat where we cleared out lot of things.I feel close to my friend again.



Here goes....



(this poem is dedicated to my friend)
Even though we were mad @ each other,my friend helped me that day by just being there and without he himself knowing.

Never forget that your mere presence can inspire someone.

It took me around two years to thank him for this.
I hope it's not too late in your case too.

The reason I post this is:

I want to remind myself the damages which ego can cause.

It's never late to accept mistakes.Though it might be too late to correct it,the mere act of accepting it (even if only to yourself) will make you a better person.

I just want to be a better person.

I hope somebody else will realize from my experience.


Next post:The actual mail and chat transcript that led to this post.All the dirty details.!!

L-word

[Jenny]"Why are you so good to me?"
[Forrest]"You are my girl."

Such a simple answer.Such a difficult answer.

This is one of those "aha" moments I had.This got me thinking about the l-word.The kind of love that we see in movies and books;pure,ideal,unconditional.This question keeps popping up in my mind again and again.Does this exist?The more I think the more I'm convinced that it doesn't.

Of course Tom Hanks gets it in the movie, but that's a movie.In real life jenny would have ODed and died from drugs or gone off and screwed some rich fat guy.Heck, in real life, there is no forrest gumps around.

I can't find them in movies too.The fat guy lands the fly girl, only after thinning down and breaking up her marriage with the anti-hero.There are girly versions of the same story around too.Why can't fat chick walk off with the stud.Ok ok atleast in fantasy(a.k.a movies).

I know why.It's because that would never be called fantasy.It will become a freak show.Fantasy itself is biased in order to be called a fantasy.
It's not about fat/thin pairing i'm talking here.It's about ideal love.It's just in movies.
These days talking about the l-word makes me feel like vomiting my guts out.Unfortunately, I'm being dragged into the discussion by people around me due to some reason or other.

Let's face it.There is nothing called love.It's pure biology with some chemistry thrown in.Nature's way of keeping species alive.Why are we attracted only to the beautiful ones?Well, baby that's natural selection;Darwin in action.

"Boo-hoo you are an ass", you may say."My parents love me."
Well, it's the closest you can get to defining love.But then again, I say it's not pure love altogether.It's a form of possessive love, which comes due to the fact that they see you as an extension of themselves.Darwin would have said, it's a trick, again played by nature to protect the fresh(as in young) genes.Hence parents have that urge to sacrifice for the welfare of their offspring.It's in the DNA silly.

"Naa na na Naa na. You're wrong again.God loves me", you say.Well, I'm not an atheist.I haven't completely bought out the big bang theory yet.Still I question his existence.At best I can say I'm in the process of finding HIM.And when I do, for all of our sakes, i will sure pop this question to him.


Call me a pessimist,I don't care.I say I'm an idealist.(Too much of Ayn Rand-ism in acti0n here.)
We are scared of asking tough questions.We are scared of truth.Truth is rotten and we are afraid of catching the smell if we ever discover it.

Till then we have all the peter parkers and MJ's keeping us company and keeping the stench out.
Why do you think all the great love stories are tragedies?Because if someone ever dared to live happily ever after, then there wouldn't be a happily ever-after.There would only be nasty divorces and what not.

L-word eludes me.