SMIS (Shit man it's sunday.)

This is my version of TGIF.

I am awake.It's still very early in the morning.I'm feeling very happy and relaxed.I just had a dream.It was one of those dreams which I can't quite recollect, but has left me with a sense of joy, and i can't quite put my finger down to point the exact reason of my joy.

I'm mildly irritated that my dream is cut short by a gentle caress on the back of my neck.I roll around to find the cause of it.I see the baby sleeping peacefully at the other end of the bed.I lay there admiring the sight that lay before me.It's so beautiful to see a baby and that too when it's asleep; it's almost a heavenly sight.The baby is far off,in fact dangerously close to the edge of the bed.It couldn't have been the baby which had brushed my neck.While still cursing the mother for letting the baby unattended, I wonder if it was her who had interrupted my dream.I can't find her anywhere.I sit up and stay there for few minutes.Still not completely lucid, I feel that some thing's not right.The feeling is not very strong and I'm not sure if I'm up or still inside a dream.

I turn on the light in order to check upon the baby.As i turn to reach out to it, I realize it all.There's no baby there.It's just a pile of clothes.Suddenly I feel a sense of reality.Now I'm completely awake.There's no baby because THERE IS NO BABY.I don't have one.Nor is there any mother of the baby.I'm still not married nor have any steady girl.Certainly not steady enough to have a baby together.I'm single for god sakes.

I'm still sitting up.Lights are on.I'm wondering what to do next.All the time still angry, don't know at whom for getting up from my sleep.The gentle brush on my neck feels real although I'm beginning to doubt my mind.I finally decide to get back to sleep still wondering about the whole ordeal.It's like one of the moments where the distinction between reality and the imaginary is blurred.I re-organize my pillows trying to find that elusive comfort position to settle into.As I'm at it, I discover to my horror the real culprit that got me awake.

It's a Rat!!! aaaw.Yuck.It's hiding in between the pillows.It must have been the one trying to bite my neck.Any last traces of sleep/drowsiness is finally gone.I give out a high-pitched squeal.It's enough to make the neighborer's baby cry but clearly not potent enough to wake up my folks who always complain that they hardly get sound sleep at nights.I scream again and again trying my best not to blow my throat out of the mouth.After the third attempt my dad wakes up and we both team up and wage a battle against the little fella.After five long long minutes and against a formidable enemy, against all odds, the enemy is overpowered,killed. We throw the poor (dead)soul out into the thrash.Dad goes back to sleep as if nothing's happened.I can't sleep anymore.Not on that bed at least.I change the sheets and pillow covers, not before vacuuming them all before putting the new ones.I take bath.How can I not?

I'm bored now.I flip through the TV channels to find anything interesting,still thinking about the poor guy whose life I have ended mercilessly.I see the time.It's 5.30 Sunday morning.And so begins my Sunday.AAaah Sundays used to be soooo relaxing.
(Relaxing my ass.SMIS)

--despo.

and so it begins.............(v.2008)

Actually it began about 6 weeks ago.
But for me it has taken this long to catch a breath and write my first post of the new year.
The 2 weeks before the new year and the new yr till now (8 weeks total) has been nothing short of roller coaster ride for me both emotionally and physically.
And now I'm completely drained and hence the urge to blog.

Events in my life till now(the last 8 weeks):
1.turned 25 last nov.
2.i'm feeling my age.
3.I was overlooked for promotion in my office.Pride hurts.The other losers got it.
4.In a fit of rage, I resigned and found a new job.They don't deserve me.
5.They tried to stop me after I quit.But damage had been done.Words were spoken.Decisions were made which certainly wasn't re-considered.I preferred to exit on my terms rather than being kicked out in future.
6.New year came.
7.I saw 2 crappy movies on new year's eve.Grrrr
8.Met with an accident on new year.No broken bones.Still a shitty beginning for the year.Of all the days should iit be Jan 1st.C'mmonnnn.Is someone even listening up there.
9.Connected with my parents on a deeper level.I never imagined this would be possible.
10.New job.Increased pay(==Increased work.)
11.I love my new job completely.
12.Only problem is i'm coming home once in 2 days.I'm working 24hrs straight with 8-10 hrs off in between for last 2 weeks.I'm not exaggerating.
13.Long hours and caffeine combined with my already sad existence is pushing me into emotional and physical exhaustion.Barely hanging in there.

The silver lining is that i will be getting a break of a week soon.
Heard that my previous employer hired three people to fill the void created by my exit.
Should I be happy??I don't know.
One thing's for sure.Life comes around full circle.
Only question is do you have enough patience and faith to hang in there till it does?
I used to have it in great supply b4.Now a days I feel like I'm running out of it.

--despo.
(and apologies for a long absence.)

Live in the moment.

Here is a saying which has been overdone these days: "Live your life in the moment".I came across a nice take on this saying,which gives it a different and beautiful dimension altogether.

People across the spectrum have had their share of people, familial or romantic ones,good and bad ones,bitter and worse ones, which have left us question the very basics of human bonding and relationships.Are they good or bad?Is they even worth the pain?DO I deserve it?
The problem can be that the person is bad.But most of the times we are reluctant to realize or to concede that some error is on our part also.By agreeing, it hurts us where it matters the most:pride;and we are too proud of ourselves.

Learning to "Live in the moment" will enable us to avoid the pain and suffering.
By that I mean, we have to learn to look at the person "in the moment".
When you look at someone in the moment,you are totally in the present.There is no past or future.There are no pains of the past, or expectations of future, from this person.Then we begin to appreciate the person for what he is and there is a "wow" every single time you see him.Every look brings in a "wow", a rush of joy,that beautiful feeling which we all long for, but which no longer exists.
That "wow" which we saw in him/her when we first laid eyes on that person;
that "wow" we felt at during the many,many first moments enjoyed in their company;
that "wow" which depressingly eludes us needs to be discovered which is possible only by learning to "Live in the moment".
Be "wow"ed every time you see the person.Be "wow"ed by seeing the GOD in them.Just be "wow"ed.
Disclaimer:"This holds true not only for romantic,but also for all kinds of relationships.Please don't try this on weirdos,serial killers,psychos.........(you know the drill)Your safety is in your hands and it matters."

There's another meaning to the "Live in the moment" mantra.
To live in the moment also means to see in the moment.
We, on the basis of our culture,background,education,etc etc, have developed a vision which is a biased interpretation of reality,of our pure sight.We continue to see the world around us through this narrow sight.Whatever we see,what all we see, is only through this narrow vision and seeing more will not help.It's the way we see,perceive stuff that should change; and not what we see.
There are two types of distorted vision here:the invisible vision and the logical vision.

Invisible vision(more suitably un-visible vision) means seeing that which is not there.It means we are in a reality, rather in an illusion built by us, and we presume it to be real.In essence we see that which is not there.It's a lie which we have built around us and we are not even aware of it and all our cognition is based on that lie.

Logical vision is the more dangerous of the two.I would like to call the educated vision.In this, we see things and analyze them logically, based on our "wisdom".Most of us ,the so called"educated" people are prone to this hazard.The problem with logic is logic.What is logic?Logic is a build up of arguments,principles,inferences starting with a idea/assumption.If the foundation is wrong, logic simply becomes an extension of our own ego/self.

If invisible vision is matrix,logical vision is a matrix inside the matrix inside the matrix.......

To live in the moment is not to live lives aimless, promiscuously, and careless.It is to live now.To be alive NOW.That's the real meaning.NOW,right now.

"Wisdom should not be confused with theoretical learning or correct beliefs, for ignorance is not intellectual error. It is spiritual blindness."
--this beautiful quote is shamelessly lifted from here

Smashaana Vairagya

I'm very much interested in Hindu philosophy and Vedas and make it a point to absorb some whenever I can.
This post is on one such topic.
Smashaana vairaagya, when loosely translated reads as graveyardly detachment.I don't even know whether graveyard can be used as adjective.

It refers to the kind of detachment where in, the mind behaves as that of one found in the dead,a.k.a it's dead.The mind lives in a different reality which has got nothing to do with the world in which the body resides.This word is also used to mock some persons, who attain or behave to have attained a spiritual awakening overnight and act as if they are the embodiment of spirituality.In reality this is nothing close to being spiritual and most of them don't stay there for long.

Human beings are programmed to be full of desire and there is nothing wrong in wanting something.The problem doesn't lie there.In fact everyone should give in to their desires and devote their energies in fulfilling them.

This may sound gibberish,but let me explain.There are two kinds of desires.The first one is "the desire to become" and the other one is "the desire to do".The problem lies when somebody desires to become something.
There is a desire to do something and you do it and you become happy.This is natural and perfectly fine.Then, there is a desire to become.In order to become something(happy),we do something and this is where the source of all the pain and suffering lies.

I do something.I will become something.
I will earn money.I will become happy(rich)
I will write a good post.I will become happy(traffic)
I will look good.I will become happy(attract people)
I will hurt him.I will become happy.
I will work hard.I will become happy.(promotion/raise)

These are all fools' recipes for disaster.
Action and desire should be separated in order to find true happiness.
Do something not to BECOME happy,but do something because you find happiness doing it.

Earn money because the process of earning money makes brings you happiness and not under the assumption that becoming rich will bring you joy.Write a good post because you enjoy writing it.Look good because looking good makes you FEEL good.Work hard because you like your work and not to impress your boss.Hurt others not because you will be happy because of it, but because you are (sadistically)happy while you are hurting others.

Action, in anticipation of something(in return) is bound to cause pain.Action in vacuum is necessary.Many are able to separate their actions from expectations.But this is accompanied by a side-effect(a dangerous side side-effect)
With the loss of expectation, comes the loss of desire to act.Once there is nothing to expect from anything or anyone, there is a loss of of an important ingredient that drives life:desire.

The hindu philosophy calls this state as Smashaana Vairaagya.(or graveyardly detachment.)
Many think they have arrived,they have found their calling,their true self.But mistake not;it is a dangerous state and sooner or later they snap out of it and get back to their old habits as a cured drug addict who gets back to his addiction.Only this time, no one can cure him again.

Hence this kind of detachment should be avoided at any cost.This(Now) is happiness.That(tomorrow) is happiness.Everything is happiness and this is as simple as it gets.

Finally, love someone because you love him/her and you love loving that person;you're happy loving that person.And not because you WILL be happy IF you love.
There is a subtle difference between them and it needs to be discovered.(quickly)

It is supremely difficult to be able to continue being actionable, and still be detached from it's results and expectations.

This is summed up by just one line of bhagavad gita:

"Karmanye Vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana."

"You have a right to perform your prescribed action,but you are not entitled to the fruits of your action.
Never consider yourself the cause of the results of your activities,and never be associated to not doing your duty."
(translation source: "Bhagavadgeetha As It Is by A.C.Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada")

So simple.So relevant.

Once more

It's failure for me once more.
I have tasted failure once more
This is my doing.
Still it isn't mine.
I blame myself.
I blame myself.
These things are pulling me down.
How can a star performer in one place fails miserably in another place?
This is very frustrating.
I'm angry,pissed,depressed.
It's one of those days.

Now is a good time for a miracle.
Lord,are you hearing?
Hopelessly waiting for good times.

despo

This is what happens when you overdo "commenting"

(can't decide on the title of this post.)
I started out to comment on this post and (as they say) one thing led to another(pun intended) and I ended up writing much more than a comment.Life is funny and indeterministic.

Here it is:

There is always certain stages which happens in spiritual growth.


1.belief in god because of upbringing.(innocence)
2.hate and anger in god bcoz of failures and frustrations.(loss of innocence)
3.disbelief as a lifestyle statement, a fad.(teen years)
4.then life happens.One can't possibly explain things happening around by just logic and science.(life crisis.)
5.beginning to believe in existence of supernatural force yet not fully convinced.(awakening/initiation)
6.acknowledge there is something out there and want to discover that something(GOD?).GODDD this is difficult.Many don't find it in them to proceed further and/or abandon mid-way.(The road seldom travelled.)
7.Discover god.
(realization/bliss/heaven/orgasm/death/love??/peace......)

mother(Teresa) was in stage 6 probably and couldn't realize the next level.Her writings signify the pain and suffering in step 6.We'll never know if she went into step 7.

It(step 6) is a very long and frustrating phase.Patience doesn't help here.Patience is an understatement.Only blind faith can/will do.

In today's world we see things we can't believe and hence believing something which we can't see and feel,is like going against everything we have been programmed not to do.There is this crippling fear of (what i would like to call) 'getting conned'.

Faith is difficult and blind faith is pure agony if tried without a heavy dose of,well...blind faith.

But faith is powerful.Faith makes unreal things real.

Long before,when I started to question idol worship, and confided that in a spiritual guru,this is what he had to say.
"Do you think god exists in those idols?I don't think so",he said.I didn't get it. His viewpoint which he subsequently explained: It's the people, who, with their faith make something as trivial as a piece of stone,a picture,a person into something which it's not:-larger than life.It's their power of worship which puts power back into the idol.That time it didn't have much effect on me.But looking back,I now really believe it.If it works for someone,then why not believe it?


Modern world says it's placebo effect,it's the mind over matter.Blah blah blah......whatever.I know it by a different name.I call it faith.I call it miracle.I call it GOD.I call it love.
What's in a name?

"faith prevails when hope dies."
(not an original.)

Enemy:Hell,it's too good to be (just) a comment.I'm putting this up in my blog.

We are all hypocrites

Nowadays,I seem to getting random thoughts just like that without any effort.It must be due to my voracious reading coupled with my subconscious mind which seems to be running ahead of my conscious self.These thoughts, which I wish to call as self-realization are manifesting by themselves, without any effort by my self.

Suddenly it hit me one day that we all are hypocrites.I'm a hypocrite.
As a child I remember being obsessively passionate about things I set my sights on.I used to cry,fight,hit,plead and do whatever it took to convince or force my parents into getting them to buy stuff or do things I wanted.Whenever my persuasions failed,I used to hate them.I cried,didn't talk to them for days.I tried my best to frustrate them for what I used to call deception done by them.

Look at me now.I deceive myself everyday.I see stuff.I like it and I happily settle to the fact that I can't get it.I see fit people and promise myself to get fit and forget it the next moment.I say to myself every morning, that it'll be a good day and fail miserably every single day.Still after all these I don't carry any grudge against my self and certainly don't treat myself as I treated my parents.Who am I kidding?


I'm expecting less from myself than I expect from others and I don't seem to be too much concerned.I expect more from my parents,friends,employer,God.I have conveniently missed the most important name on the list.Myself.This realization hit me hard.
I desperately need to find it in my self to demand better off me.I can't settle for anything less.A famous saying goes,"You must be the change you want to see in the world".
I hope it's not just wishful thinking.

One needs to get out of their own skins and see themselves as a separate person and judge themselves as one judges others.

Do it NOWWWWWWW!!!(KISS #2)

ripped from here.Copyright as intended by the owner.