Saved....?

Recently I missed certain death by just an hour.
I don't know whether I should thank my angels or not.think I should thank.Live today.Die another day.
I value life a (little bit) more.

crawling...

Every breath is an effort .......an effort wasted in the hope that the next one is going to be better.
What do you do?
Become cynical?
Turn to spirituality?
Madness perhaps?
What do you do when all you have to do is to keep going on while you are barely able to stand.Crawl...??
What do you do when giving up isn't that scary.
What do you do?
It may be ok with everyone.No one expects you to take another step.You've already come miles.
What do you do?
Is it ok with you?
Will you be able to live with that?
Are you able to face yourself in front of a mirror?
Is the person in the mirror alive?

what to do when going gets hard?
What you do will define you forever as a person.

Lately, going's been tough and giving up and settling into the comforts of my shell appears attractive.

Let's see......who wins.
Round 1 ................goes on.......

Mortal love

"We have touched for the last time
You are long gone, in love with someone else
I now fear nothing but life itself
And I have learned that living is just a slow way to die
I do not believe in life or in love anymore.
The joy I feel are the joys of emptiness
I hate myself for loving you
The fear I feel night after night has developed into a disease
No-one can see the emptiness in my eyes.
To escape life itself now seems the only solution
With relief i look forward of letting go of the pain
Finally... there is peace in my soul
To lie dead without a concern , without a tear,
You own my heart and life without you is so immensly painful
Just to think of you, talk about you, dream of you makes tears stream down my face.
I cannot imagine happiness without your beautiful smile, your angelic face,
your wonderful body and your good heart.
You are everything , I am nothing.
I want to die
But really... I am already dead"

--Mortal love.

you know your life sucks......

.........when you have spent two days in vegas and haven't even hit the slot machines(forget the boobies) and ....you actually are blogging about it.

Shit happens.(But you got to make time to actually do it!)

It ain't over .........

....and I'm not done yet.

An interview with cruel virgin

Cruel Virgin was kind enough to answer some questions I had for her.


Why blog?

At first it was a way for me to work out ideas for my job. Then it became a way for me to work out my identity. Right now, I don't know if I much more to say.

What makes cruel virgin blog more: joy or sadness?

Sadness, but I am trying to resist that as it is too personal.

3 things you love about Cruel Virgin?

Well, I like that I can be a smart ass, I like that people take my ideas seriously even if they disagree, and I like the community that CV has formed.

3 things you hate about Cruel Virgin?

I often feel obligated to blog when I have nothing to say, I've gotten a lot of trolls and I ended up losing friendships--not because of my blog but because my blog put me in touch with people that caused me a lot of pain.

3 things about yourself that Cruel Virgin (blogging) helped you to discover?

I am spiritual but not religious, we really are all connected in a metaphysical way, and I need to resist the temptation to rant as some people get hurt which I never intend.

3 all-time favorite books

The Iliad, Lord of the Rings, The Brothers Karamazov

3 all-time favorite moives

The Godfather, The Seventh Seal, All About My Mother

3 people Cruel Virgin likes from blog world.

Walking Man, SJ, Ricardo

Most memorable comment cruel virgin has ever made/got.

One blogger who was a cowboy (for real) told me that he thought I was a lot like a steer he had to rope to get to the vet--he said: You would be hard to handle. I answered: Cowboy, you have no idea. His reply: Angel, I have somewhat of one. That exchange just blew me away!

Cruel virgin's best post (till date), according to you.
Toss up: My series on Bartending and my series on I See Dead People.


Finally, what do you value most:love or freedom?

I can't live in a world without love

Are you lucky enough?

I have been meaning to explore this thought of mine for quite sometime.Finally, my friend mentioned the same thing which I have been pondering for quite sometime and this made me post it.

I have been stuck on this problem(software bug) at work like forever(2 months).It's really painful to get stuck and not go anywhere.It was very critical that it was to be solved and there was tremondous pressure on me.Not wanting to give up, more out of ego and less to do with conviction, I pushed on, constantly trying out different methods to solve it.Things seemed to get better before getting worse and it was utterly disappointing.I was completely exhausted and fatigued and showing signs of PTSD(to some extent).I finally got a lucky break and fixed it(I wouldn't be here posting if I hadn't!!)

My friend said something, which I suspect, I had known for long: It's hard work that brings luck.Well in my case, I had to get hopeless and miserable before striking luck.

All along this has been my experience whenever I find myself in similar situations (work or otherwise).Never been lucky in the true sense.

I want to know if others had similar experiences?

OR

Were you lucky enough to be lucky?

and it keeps happening...

I see her and it's that old feeling all over again.This time though I don't let myself go blind in love.I let the thought indulge me for some more time being careful not to indulge it.It's not the first time and I'm not a fool any more.Just can't afford to feel things.

I turn off the light and go to sleep hoping there will be less of heartache the next day.
We all dream of things,stuff in life.What do you do when reality hits you?What can you do?How do you deal with disappointment?

I'm wiser nowadays(at least I think so.).I'm not getting bothered by stuff that used to keep me off sleep before.

But I don't know what scares me more:my happiness or fear of realizing sometime in future that I wasn't really happy in the first place to begin with.

Fuck that.I'm fine now.