Do it Now

The Value of Time.
Got this uncredited e-mail a while back.This one speaks about value of time:

• To realize the value of one year, ask a student who failed a grade.
• To realize the value of one month, ask a mother who gave birth to
a premature baby.
• To realize the value of one week, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
• To realize the value of one hour, ask the lovers who are waiting to
meet.
• To realize the value of one second, ask the person who just avoided
a traffic accident.
• To realize the value of one millisecond, ask the person who won an
Olympic medal.
Time has a value greater than any currency. We may leave our children
the money we don’t use in our own lifetimes, but we cannot
leave them one millisecond of time.

things to say...

I have been falling behind in writing stuff on my blog for last many months.I've been dormant both online and offline.Things to say,stuff to share are piling up and I'm finding myself bound by an invisible shackle which is holding me back every time I try to break out.Maybe this is a nice way to describe my laziness.

Anyway, here is a list of things I have been up to and which I want to write more on.
There is a struggle between my dying urge to write more frequently on some things I hold close to my heart and the invisible demon within me which is pushing me into inaction.
So I don't know who will win.

Here's the list:

1. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.At 1000+ pages this really tested my reading endurance.Not that it bored me anytime, but I had to put it aside for few days in between and turn back to re-read, to think,while I digest the ideas.I would say that it is the ideas contained in there were most thought provoking and controversial.Certainly a life changing read.

2. Holy Blood, Holy Grail

3. Prison Break season 4

4. How I met your mother reruns.

5. There will be blood.

6. No country for old men.

7. Atonement - you gotta see this movie.

8. mementos

9. Love story 1970 the movie

10. Casablanca

11. The most lucid dream I've ever had.

I don't recommend others to see these movies or read the books.I don't know why I chose these.It was simply a selection of random things which I came across in a totally random un-intended involuntary manner.

I do intend to write on at least few of these things before I lose the urge and move on to another short lived obsession.

Personal Update:Moving on to a new job which is promising and better paying than the current one.

Last salute

Interrupting next post to pay homage to Randy Pausch.
He died on July 25th, 2008
I pay my respect to him.He has been a great inspiration to me.I wanted to meet him in person.
(I'm sad.)
We need more people like you.

Many of you must already know him.For the un-initiated, he's the guy who gave the "last lecture"; the wildly-popular and much viewed video on the net.



A book has been released on the same:


"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."
--Randy Pausch

A lot of professors give talks titled "The Last Lecture." Professors are asked to consider their demise and to ruminate on what matters most to them. And while they speak, audiences can't help but mull the same question: What wisdom would we impart to the world if we knew it was our last chance? If we had to vanish tomorrow, what would we want as our legacy?

When Randy Pausch, a computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon, was asked to give such a lecture, he didn't have to imagine it as his last, since he had recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. But the lecture he gave--"Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams"--wasn't about dying. It was about the importance of overcoming obstacles, of enabling the dreams of others, of seizing every moment (because "time is all you have...and you may find one day that you have less than you think"). It was a summation of everything Randy had come to believe. It was about living.

why do we do what we do?

For the past four years I have been pursuing a dream.A dream that is so close to my heart that I wish not to disclose it (even)here;even in the cover of anonymity.All I have to say is that it has nothing to do with the matters of heart.

I have been oscillating through a wide range of emotions during this pursuit of mine.It has brought me much pain,despair, made me lose faith, got me depressed.........
It has also helped me in discovering myself, given me energy,hope, faith etc.It has been of a dual nature bringing me sadness and happiness all at the same time.

I became a social recluse refusing to interact with the outside world except for when it was absolutely necessary. I have just retreated into a shell.To sum it up, it has cost me substantial amount of my time and energy.

Now even though I don't have the obsession that I had in the beginning, the fire is still there burning as before.I have kept trying hard to make my dream real.On the way, I have lost patience and gave up many times.I have writhed in pain and despair and given up one day, only to pick up where I left off the next day.Even in the face of utter despair I have refused to give up.Some times I feel like a crazy man who is trying to break a stone wall with bare hands.I have visuals of myself doing that.(that's not me in the pic)

Yet I continue.

This has made me think why I haven't give up (yet).What is that inside me that has made me behave in this way. I have thought about it a lot.I would love to say that it is in my nature to not give up.I'm someone who doesn't stop no matter what.


I would love to say all that.But I would be lying.Though ego hurts, I have given up numerous times.But this one is making me more miserable than anything else I have experienced and still I' refuse to let it go.At first it was an ego thing but now I'm beginning to doubt the extent of my ego.

"A man's desire should never become his weakness" --(a rare original from your's truly.)

I think I have finally found the reason for my stubbornness.It is something very silly.I don't give up because I don't have anything else to do.I can't sit idle.As long as I can I might as well do something.This might as well be it.I need something to push me so that I can (try) push it back.With every passing moment I feel I'm losing a part of myself in this pursuit and yet ,I push on.I have nothing other that to offer.I'm starting to feel more like a machine programmed to accomplish certain task which has no emotional attachment with or any incentive to take from the outcome of the task

It's like a terminator who has no use once his mission is over.Immaterial of the outcome of the mission, once it's over he has no reason to exist.


Only difference is I want to exist (I'm not suicidal!!) and I can't exist without a reason and I'm finding a reason.

It is my attempt at finding "method to madness".

Has anyone felt the same way?

NEXT POST: too(two) depressing(a.k.a ...) - ep1

L-word

[Jenny]"Why are you so good to me?"
[Forrest]"You are my girl."

Such a simple answer.Such a difficult answer.

This is one of those "aha" moments I had.This got me thinking about the l-word.The kind of love that we see in movies and books;pure,ideal,unconditional.This question keeps popping up in my mind again and again.Does this exist?The more I think the more I'm convinced that it doesn't.

Of course Tom Hanks gets it in the movie, but that's a movie.In real life jenny would have ODed and died from drugs or gone off and screwed some rich fat guy.Heck, in real life, there is no forrest gumps around.

I can't find them in movies too.The fat guy lands the fly girl, only after thinning down and breaking up her marriage with the anti-hero.There are girly versions of the same story around too.Why can't fat chick walk off with the stud.Ok ok atleast in fantasy(a.k.a movies).

I know why.It's because that would never be called fantasy.It will become a freak show.Fantasy itself is biased in order to be called a fantasy.
It's not about fat/thin pairing i'm talking here.It's about ideal love.It's just in movies.
These days talking about the l-word makes me feel like vomiting my guts out.Unfortunately, I'm being dragged into the discussion by people around me due to some reason or other.

Let's face it.There is nothing called love.It's pure biology with some chemistry thrown in.Nature's way of keeping species alive.Why are we attracted only to the beautiful ones?Well, baby that's natural selection;Darwin in action.

"Boo-hoo you are an ass", you may say."My parents love me."
Well, it's the closest you can get to defining love.But then again, I say it's not pure love altogether.It's a form of possessive love, which comes due to the fact that they see you as an extension of themselves.Darwin would have said, it's a trick, again played by nature to protect the fresh(as in young) genes.Hence parents have that urge to sacrifice for the welfare of their offspring.It's in the DNA silly.

"Naa na na Naa na. You're wrong again.God loves me", you say.Well, I'm not an atheist.I haven't completely bought out the big bang theory yet.Still I question his existence.At best I can say I'm in the process of finding HIM.And when I do, for all of our sakes, i will sure pop this question to him.


Call me a pessimist,I don't care.I say I'm an idealist.(Too much of Ayn Rand-ism in acti0n here.)
We are scared of asking tough questions.We are scared of truth.Truth is rotten and we are afraid of catching the smell if we ever discover it.

Till then we have all the peter parkers and MJ's keeping us company and keeping the stench out.
Why do you think all the great love stories are tragedies?Because if someone ever dared to live happily ever after, then there wouldn't be a happily ever-after.There would only be nasty divorces and what not.

L-word eludes me.

SMIS (Shit man it's sunday.)

This is my version of TGIF.

I am awake.It's still very early in the morning.I'm feeling very happy and relaxed.I just had a dream.It was one of those dreams which I can't quite recollect, but has left me with a sense of joy, and i can't quite put my finger down to point the exact reason of my joy.

I'm mildly irritated that my dream is cut short by a gentle caress on the back of my neck.I roll around to find the cause of it.I see the baby sleeping peacefully at the other end of the bed.I lay there admiring the sight that lay before me.It's so beautiful to see a baby and that too when it's asleep; it's almost a heavenly sight.The baby is far off,in fact dangerously close to the edge of the bed.It couldn't have been the baby which had brushed my neck.While still cursing the mother for letting the baby unattended, I wonder if it was her who had interrupted my dream.I can't find her anywhere.I sit up and stay there for few minutes.Still not completely lucid, I feel that some thing's not right.The feeling is not very strong and I'm not sure if I'm up or still inside a dream.

I turn on the light in order to check upon the baby.As i turn to reach out to it, I realize it all.There's no baby there.It's just a pile of clothes.Suddenly I feel a sense of reality.Now I'm completely awake.There's no baby because THERE IS NO BABY.I don't have one.Nor is there any mother of the baby.I'm still not married nor have any steady girl.Certainly not steady enough to have a baby together.I'm single for god sakes.

I'm still sitting up.Lights are on.I'm wondering what to do next.All the time still angry, don't know at whom for getting up from my sleep.The gentle brush on my neck feels real although I'm beginning to doubt my mind.I finally decide to get back to sleep still wondering about the whole ordeal.It's like one of the moments where the distinction between reality and the imaginary is blurred.I re-organize my pillows trying to find that elusive comfort position to settle into.As I'm at it, I discover to my horror the real culprit that got me awake.

It's a Rat!!! aaaw.Yuck.It's hiding in between the pillows.It must have been the one trying to bite my neck.Any last traces of sleep/drowsiness is finally gone.I give out a high-pitched squeal.It's enough to make the neighborer's baby cry but clearly not potent enough to wake up my folks who always complain that they hardly get sound sleep at nights.I scream again and again trying my best not to blow my throat out of the mouth.After the third attempt my dad wakes up and we both team up and wage a battle against the little fella.After five long long minutes and against a formidable enemy, against all odds, the enemy is overpowered,killed. We throw the poor (dead)soul out into the thrash.Dad goes back to sleep as if nothing's happened.I can't sleep anymore.Not on that bed at least.I change the sheets and pillow covers, not before vacuuming them all before putting the new ones.I take bath.How can I not?

I'm bored now.I flip through the TV channels to find anything interesting,still thinking about the poor guy whose life I have ended mercilessly.I see the time.It's 5.30 Sunday morning.And so begins my Sunday.AAaah Sundays used to be soooo relaxing.
(Relaxing my ass.SMIS)

--despo.

and so it begins.............(v.2008)

Actually it began about 6 weeks ago.
But for me it has taken this long to catch a breath and write my first post of the new year.
The 2 weeks before the new year and the new yr till now (8 weeks total) has been nothing short of roller coaster ride for me both emotionally and physically.
And now I'm completely drained and hence the urge to blog.

Events in my life till now(the last 8 weeks):
1.turned 25 last nov.
2.i'm feeling my age.
3.I was overlooked for promotion in my office.Pride hurts.The other losers got it.
4.In a fit of rage, I resigned and found a new job.They don't deserve me.
5.They tried to stop me after I quit.But damage had been done.Words were spoken.Decisions were made which certainly wasn't re-considered.I preferred to exit on my terms rather than being kicked out in future.
6.New year came.
7.I saw 2 crappy movies on new year's eve.Grrrr
8.Met with an accident on new year.No broken bones.Still a shitty beginning for the year.Of all the days should iit be Jan 1st.C'mmonnnn.Is someone even listening up there.
9.Connected with my parents on a deeper level.I never imagined this would be possible.
10.New job.Increased pay(==Increased work.)
11.I love my new job completely.
12.Only problem is i'm coming home once in 2 days.I'm working 24hrs straight with 8-10 hrs off in between for last 2 weeks.I'm not exaggerating.
13.Long hours and caffeine combined with my already sad existence is pushing me into emotional and physical exhaustion.Barely hanging in there.

The silver lining is that i will be getting a break of a week soon.
Heard that my previous employer hired three people to fill the void created by my exit.
Should I be happy??I don't know.
One thing's for sure.Life comes around full circle.
Only question is do you have enough patience and faith to hang in there till it does?
I used to have it in great supply b4.Now a days I feel like I'm running out of it.

--despo.
(and apologies for a long absence.)