Sunday, May 24, 2009

Aftermath.

I would like to put down on black and white, how I feel so that I can come back and read it when I want to remember this moment.

Here I go:

1.Death of someone close for the first time in my adult life.Though I have memories of other similar incidents, this is the one which I will remember vividly for a long time to come.

2.I don't know whether I'm in pain or not.Maybe I'm shamelessly exploiting myself to get some blog mileage.

3.I fear that I may not feel anything anymore.

Though I was not that close with my granddad during the later years,I have fond childhood memories of him.I just drifted away once I started off with my own life(what a cliché).Still, whenever we met we had meaningful conversations.Somewhere deep down I know that I was his favorite, even though it was never explicitly mentioned.

I have been fighting battles of my own, during all these years and grew apart and away from all people around me;grandpa included.This makes the pain a tad bit more painful.I was told by my folks, just few days before his departure to pay him a visit since the end was expected.I was so consumed by my own problems that I preferred to lay in the comfort of my own misery.Later when it was over, I got the guts to see his face only the day after.I just wanted to run away from all of it.

Still,remembering him, I'm happy that he has left a lot for me learn and cherish from the way he lived his life.I don't want to go down the "my- grandpa-is-the-best" road.I only wish to say that he lived a simple life with simple needs and desires and a great attitude and positive outlook.Maybe we celebrate people better once they die.I don't know.

Though there is a guilt part in me, I very much want to be happy and look forward positively, more than ever;thanks to him.

I actually wanted to post a photo something similar to my last post,but I realize that being unhappy is just not worth it.





Don't waste your time.

Love and only love,
desp

14 comments:

Arching said...

Hi Desp.
You wanted to write so you could look later. And you know that is wise. You'll find that everything happens for a reason. Whether or not you were there... or another family member was there.
Feeling numb is okay. Gets you through the toughest spots. Having fear is good; lets you know you're still feeling even though you may think you're not feeling.
My granpa loved me more than fishing. We'd play old 78 records and dance to "Little Brown Jug." He once spent 55 cents to have taps put on my little shoes so we could "tap dance". My Mom had a fit.
Anyhow, you'll find out: "it's all good." Then one day you'll be sitting outside somewhere, looking at the trees or beauty around you... and you're going to hear him say your name. No joke, scared me at first but the next time I heard him, I said "hey" back. I promise you, he's inside. The voice will come from inside you.
It's wonderful. peace dude, Arching

Paul Maurice Martin said...

To me, your post hits on themes that I would bet are pretty universal - reminds me very much of my own feelings around my grandmother's death.

Something you point to here that I found actually grew over the years was my appreciation and sense of gratitude for her role in my life.

Emerging From The Fire said...

Love, but allow yourself to feel the pain, the hurt, the regret. It is a hard road to just feel and not judge your feelings, but I think it is very important for you now.

Feeling numb for now is ok, only in that it protects you from feeling the pain. But, eventually, when you are strong enough and you can detach from the situation a little, when things aren't so raw, I would suggest that you take the time to work through the feelings.

It will keep you from being numb forever.

:)

dcrelief said...

DESPERADO:
When my Granmother died, I was going to start mailing all elder family members cards... no ocassion needed. It was going to be my 'special project' to get me through her passing.
Instead I got bombarded with email addresses; I had to set up my first email account. Back then, I only played Solitaire. (has it been five years?) Seems like yesterday. In peace and love, Dixie

Jun Bullan said...

One of the ways of knowing ourselves is to analyze our feelings and to be able to study them we have to put them in writing.

Peace...

Ricardo said...

This reminds me very much of when I lost my own grandfather who raised me like a father. I was in the midst of my own depression and the final days were too much to take. I almost couldn;t face it wither which seemed selfish but I did have my moment with him. It still does a number on me to think about it. I don't get the sense that you are shamelessly exploiting. I think you may be numb from all of this. The feelings and thoughts about this loss will come in time. It just has to settle in.

morrow said...

I dont think this one right way to feel at time like this.

Feel it your own way.

And as I was reading your post, I sensed a lot of real feelings.

DESPERADO said...

Hi all,
thank you guys for all the warm responses.Gives me strength.

DESPERADO said...

Arching:
Seems you had a great grandpa.I wish and hope that one day, I will hear his voice as you say.I know that he's somewhere watching over me.

Paul:
Grandmothers must be special.I don't remember much about both my grandmas.
They passed away when I was young and I have only hazy memories of them.

Emerging:
Nice to see you up and running again.
I'm so busy right now that I'm not having the time to deal with this pain.I'm not feeling it either.Someday, it's all gonna become real.I hope I can find the required strength that day.

DC:
You have been a good friend and I'm grateful for that.

Jun:
Watching one's own emotions impassively and just experiencing them helps to know more about ourselves.I'm still trying out this.!

Ricardo:
Losing someone close is not easy.I'm simply mad and there are so many questions unanswered.
Life seems unfair.I know in time I will find my way.Appreciate that you shared your own experience.

morrow:
Thx for dropping by and for the kind words.I love your poems.

Emerging From The Fire said...

I think that is normal. Every time someone has loss or pain, the first thing that comes is numbness, denial, that dizzy ungrounded feeling. It is there, I think, to psychologically protect you. It gives you a minute to center yourself before you are hit with the full impact of your feelings.

The feelings will come as you are able to open yourself to feeling them. May you find strength and light inside you on that day.

DESPERADO said...

hi emerging,
Thank you.I'm feeling much better these days.
Slowly starting to take notice of things around me,feeling them,allowing myself to be normal,happy,reading a book,listening to music etc.
Thx again.

Emerging From The Fire said...

Good to hear! :)

dcrelief said...

Desperado,
I too, am just checking in with you. I'd send pizza, but I don't know the address. (a little joke)
Wishing you peacefulness with all transitions... time can be a friend. x Dixie.

Paige Mann said...

I really relate to this. Thanks for sharing.

"I walk the lonely roads,the only one that I've ever known."