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These days I'm going through a lot.Any amount of shameless self pity isn't helping either.My self-esteem is at an all-time low and I'm finding it hard to cope with it.I guess every one goes through a phase like this in their lives.Some emerge stronger while others are reduced to a weaker version of their former selves.My state is best described by the Bryan Adams's song: "Right now I feel, like a leaf on a breeze.Who knows where it's going? I find somewhere I never thought I'd be.Going around in circles...".I'm lost.

Hello there

I'm finally back.Still not strong enough though.I have been struggling for the past many months and finally am in a postion to beign some sort of thought process.I don't have anything more to say for now and I'm hoping for a better tomorrow.I miss my life.

Anatomy of connections....

Life's full of contradictions and paradoxes.Connections being broken, hearts repaired, ties severed.....

My sister and myself never connected at all while growing up for no apparent reason.It was just that way.Today, she sought me.Being in what was a dark place, she desperately wanted someone.She chose me to be 'that' someone and I will remain  thankful to her for doing that.I was there for her even while not being there(We are far away).We just talked unlike ever.We both felt better.She got some much needed relief and soul talk.I got to keep a sister.We just connected and discovered the bond which I never knew existed.She got to feel little better and less bitter.By listening to her, I  have fewer demons to deal with.Well, I think that's karma paying back in fast-food style.I know this is really a big moment; not because I know that now, but will realize, years later, when I'm brave enough to look back,  in search of something beautiful.It will be remembered.

Connections:Now Open

On the other hand,I literally couldn't connect to my sweetheart 5000 miles away even though we both were desperate to.That's techno-karma(bad internet) paying me back, again in fast food style, for all the buggy code I must have written(ssshhhhh)!
Too bad.!

It's amazing.

Tough times

It's been a tough time as some(well few) of them who frequent me have noted.I can't remember having cribbed this much and this long in my entire life(yet).

So, the main problem is coming out of my perception of people's expectation towards me.While I know that the perception is playing more tricks on my mind than there is, I still know that there are some expectations which are valid.

What is not valid or acceptable to me is the way I'm dealing with it.I've dealt with it badly and failed to live up to the high standards I've set myself.This is frustrating.

I also came to know one thing yesterday.People are far weaker than I give them credit to and this is actually bad.Because sometimes I tend to stretch matters too far than the person can take it and I end up hurting them which is not productive for me.Eventually people will start hating me or develop a bad taste for me.Even though I'm not worried about what other people (wrongly) think of me, I certainly not am arrogant.Well, I'm arrogant enough, but I make it extra sure not to display it around.

Arrogance like ego is good when used in ways which are not self-destructive.It is my arrogance which has given me the courage to make tough choices in life and see it through.It is my arrogance of thinking that I'm different and better than most has made me that or at least taken me through an interesting journey which I'm proud of.Yet I never want to rub my arrogance off to others and want to take great care in that sense.

The problem as put across by my friend is, As we become more and more practical we become less and less human.I am very practical and refuse to live in a dream world.I'm very independent and less interdependent.While it is very good for personal development, I find it difficult for relationships.This has been the complaint of people around me.But I can't help.People get set in their ways and it is difficult to change.Change is possible, also inevitable.Yet it is painful.Change or it's possibility brings lots of insecurities to the surface.People still resist it.I consider myself pretty flexible and adapting, but sometimes and especially for some things, it becomes very personal and egoistical to accept.

Still fighting.......
Desp 

This is sounding stupid..

...but here it goes.
I'm finding lack of time (or lack of respect for time??) as the root of all my bane(s).
Well, I'm attracting negativity and boo-hoo's by saying it loud.Maybe that's what I really am: A lazy bum.

But, dwelling on that thought further, I feel that I'm not (completely) lazy.I seem to find(put) myself in situations where either I'm too bust or too empty(Nothing to do with bowel movements!).

This alternating bursts of nothingness and full-steam is causing too much agony.I hate it.
Life is happening and I'm not able to take it in completely.

Maybe it IS stupid.

Let the healing begin.....

Dear desperado,

You have known that this is going to happen all along.But still, when it actually happened, you look as surprised as a deer caught unawares by the headlight of an oncoming vehicle.
The deer didn't knew it was stepping into a freeway;you knew;you KNOW.

It was a difficult and important decision, which you took.I admire you for that.Not many have the courage to even take this step.You had to separate from everything and everyone who were close to you.You knew that.It was going to be painful.It is still painful.It's just that you are experiencing what you actually imagined.That's the difference between fantasy and reality.I would like to quote one of my favorites from TV in this difficult moment of yours(Michael Scofield): "Preparation can only take you so far.After that you need a few leaps of faith".

This is just the beginning.At the first signs of failure, you are terrified and want to run away somewhere safe.Well, it was your choice.It is your battle battle.Battle has began.It was your choice to fight this battle and now you can't give up even as it's just beginning.

I know that there will be failures,setbacks before some relief sets in.But you have to face it.You have to face it head-on and overcome it.Only then, you will earn respect from the most important person in your life: YOU. Unless you respect yourself, anything you achieve will be nothing because whatever you do, it won't be good enough, unless you can look straight into the person staring back at you from the other side of the mirror and say: I AM.

So, don't be afraid.Get ready to fight and emerge.Things get worse before they get better.
"Move along, move along just to make it through."--AAR

Love and always,
Desperado

down and out.

I've been following this pattern of blogging when I'm, well.... down and out.I have hardly blogged, visited my blog friends or even logged on.The same was the case last year too.Only difference is, last year I was super busy and this year I'm super free!
But still I've still turned my back to life.I simply don't find the energy in my self.I'm ashamed of myself.The worst thing is I'm not the kind of person who gives up.So I'm always trying to do things that enable me to get out of this state.I'm doing it as if my very life depends on it.(it does actually.)But something inside me is broken and refusing to budge.But I'm beginning to suspect that my fatigue is not physical by its an emotional one.



I left my job and took a break from the madness that was threatening to consume me.I married a wonderful girl who supports me in all my decisions.I packed up and left my everything behind: wife, my folks, job, friends to take some time off; to just blow off the steam.I'm well rested now and ready to get back into the rat race in a new country among new people.I miss my people.I miss my blogging days, my online friends.
I'm trying my best to cope with it.Best thing is to keep my self busy.

Is it me or has blogging become so 90's??
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